Meta admits that Instagram provided “outsized visibility” to advertisements of saffron gulal ahead of Holi celebrations in India while Facebook aborts plans to launch a special Holi profile picture badge for Indian users that says “One Nation, One Colour”. Over in Uttar Pradesh, Yogi Adityanath promises ration at half the rate for one whole week for any citizen who turns up to a government-recognised ration store awash in saffron.
Meanwhile, in West Bengal, the Trinamool government announces subsidies for all green-coloured Holi products to “draw attention to Mother Nature and the dwindling forest cover across the country”. The CPM calls it an eyewash and a campaign of “Didiforestation”.
Elsewhere, Pakistan apologises for accidentally sending a peculiarly shaped missile into Indian territory, which lands in an uninhabited part of Longewala in Rajasthan, temporarily turning the nearby soil white. Insider reports suggest that Pakistan had meant the missile to be a giant pichkari landing in Delhi’s Lutyens area to act as a messenger of peace. Subramanian Swamy takes to Twitter to rant about “how Imran Khan has once again shown that he has no control over his instruments”.
Wondering what else happened while you spewed out your DIY bhang cocktail and listened to Balam Pichkari for the 315th time? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
March 14
Vladimir Putin has reportedly told Khabib Nurmagomedov that he will allow the latter to conduct talks on Islam on Russian soil should the MMA star knock out Elon Musk within 15 seconds TT archives
- In response to Elon Musk’s challenge for a one-on-one fight with the invasion of Ukraine at stake, Russian President Vladimir Putin nominates his compatriot and mixed martial artist Khabib Nurmagomedov to participate in the combat on his behalf. A fresh stipulation from Putin’s end means that should Musk lose, all SpaceX rockets will bear a logo of the Russian flag in future.
- No less than 435 influencers from Russia sign up for therapy after being deprived of the latest human right to open Zara hampers and unbox Apple products in front of a live digital audience following Russia’s ban on Instagram. The Kremlin responds by allowing these influencers to join a new social media platform called Vladgram where live broadcasts can take place and be seen by pre-approved followers and members of the Russian Secret Service.
March 15
Fans of Emma Watson have requested her to ‘Confringo’ Donald Trump on meeting him WB
- Donald Trump raises eyebrows by inviting Emma Watson to dinner at Trump Tower after the latter’s comment “I’m here for all the witches” at the recent BAFTA Awards goes viral. Trump explains his invitation by saying that “I’ll have a thing or two to tell Emma Granger about how to look for and support witches around the world since more witch-hunts have been initiated against me than anybody else in the history of America. ”
- In the wake of another disappointing round of performances in state elections by the Congress, Rahul Gandhi leaves India “to review, reassess and recharge in an unknown location that is not some remote city in Italy”, Priyanka Gandhi Vadra contemplates going under the knife to appear more like her grandmother and Sonia Gandhi approves a resolution tabled by the Congress Working Committee appointing her as interim Congress president for life.
March 16
Disney+ Hotstar plans to placate the petitioners by sponsoring their trip to SRK’s Mannat in November
- Hundreds of disgruntled Shah Rukh Khan fans file an online petition against Disney+ Hotstar for manipulated advertising after discovering that SRK+ is an ad campaign and not a separate streaming service. “I cancelled my Netflix, Hotstar, Prime and Zee subscriptions to save money for a service that won’t even be there,” says one heartbroken fan on Twitter, while another more industrious one creates a glitch-prone but roughly operational website where 50 of SRK’s films can be seen for a stiff fee of Rs 5,000 per month. Reddit conspiracists speculate whether this industrious fan, identifying as “Kkkkk…Rahul”, is actually a Kolkata Knight Riders (KKR) scout trying to raise funds to find the next mystery spinner.
- Reacting to the Karnataka High Court's verdict of deeming the hijab as not being an essential part of Islam, a spokesperson of the Vishva Hindu Parishad (VHP) says, "We are proud that the court has released our Muslim sisters from wearing the symbol of tyranny that is the hijab. We would now like the court to declare that eating beef and praying in mosques are not essential parts of Islam either." In response to the VHP's comment, Asaduddin Owaisi tweets: "It seems like common sense and compassion are not essential to being an Indian."
March 17
David Beckham, owner of Inter Miami, says that he is willing to open a ‘world-class intra-Florida football league’ so that Messi and Ronaldo can keep scoring hat-tricks every week FIFA
- Fans of Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi have something to cheer about despite the pair crashing out of the UEFA Champions League (UCL) before the quarter-finals for the second season running. The UEFA has revealed that Ronaldo has won this season’s award for the most number of raised hands without receiving the ball in the penalty box while Messi has topped the charts for most beard strokes per attack in the UCL.
- After going tax-free in several states and earning praise from a number of BJP politicians, The Kashmir Files is officially declared as India’s entry to the first edition of The Triumph of the Will Awards (TOWA). Set to be hosted on April 20 in Budapest with Viktor Orban as chief guest, TOWA aims to “celebrate cinema that cherry picks facts to entrench the narrative and the ideology supported by a nation’s incumbent government”.
March 18
Despite repeated requests, Prashant Kishor refuses to be a special advisor for curating guests and questions on Shatrughan Sinha’s new show TT archives
- Trinamool Congress’s nominee Shatrughan Sinha is all set to launch a one-of-a-kind TV show where he will invite politicians from different Indian parties to debate him on matters of public welfare. Every guest, however, will have to fulfil two criteria — they must name at least three Bollywood movies featuring Sonakshi Sinha not called Dabangg, besides refusing to engage in rebuttals once the show’s host says “Khamosh”.
- Inspired by the Russian journalist who carried a placard saying “NO WAR” on air, dissident journalists around the world are posing with placards on the TV channels of their respective countries. Some prominent examples of placards and their messages include: “NO GAS” in Germany, “NO WORLD CUP” in Qatar, “NO NOVAK” in Serbia, “NO COCA-COLA” in Mexico and “NO CHARLES” in the UK. Over in India, a journalist complains that her placard was doctored by removing the second word of the message and adding the letters “A” and “M” between “NO” instead.