The week that should have been

Russia is in crisis after Vladimir Putin realises that his former chef almost cooked up a coup. The rebel in question, Yevgeny Prigozhin, also known as Putin without a library, has had his bloodlust temporarily pacified after the real Putin sent him secret footage of executions from Joseph Stalin’s gulags. However, many insiders in Moscow feel that Prigozhin will soon have another go at the Kremlin as he is yet to forgive Putin for binning his signature stroganoff.

Meanwhile, governments across the world have made their positions clear on the brewing civil war-esque situation in Russia. US President Joe Biden has confirmed that “America will be politically, emotionally and spiritually against the winner”. Rishi Sunak has suggested that the UK will lean to whichever side has more oligarchs with property in London. The government of India, though, has called for immediate peace, asking the warring parties to chant Om until foreign media outlets stop writing about them.

Elsewhere, India’s Cabinet ministers are queuing up to be interviewed by influencer Ranveer Allahbadia, as they want to experience the feeling of talking endlessly to one man having spent years listening endlessly to another.

Wondering what else happened while you listened to your own voice notes on loop? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.

June 26

Seventeen different venues have been shortlisted for Rahul Gandhi to have lunch with locals in Manipur TT Archives

• Ahead of Rahul Gandhi’s visit to Manipur to meet the families of the victims of the recent ethnic clashes, the Congress sends two separate 38-member teams to identify the exact spots in Imphal where Gandhi’s despondent look can go viral. To rehearse his expression, Gandhi tries repairing a few motorcycles.

• Following his rockstar reception in the US (barring the freewheeling interviews part), Narendra Modi lands in Egypt to better understand how people of a particular community can live in a dictatorship without complaining.

June 27

In case Pakistan become world champions, the BCCI executive with the lowest following on Twitter will present the trophy to the Pakistani captain TT Archives

• The Indian Cricket Council (ICC) has announced that the 2023 men’s ODI World Cup trophy, which was launched in space, will also be awarded in space in case Pakistan win the final in Ahmedabad.

• CBSE is all set to introduce more books on VD Savarkar in its middle- and high-school curriculum to make students better at apologising to higher authorities.

June 28

Mark Zuckerberg initially wanted the right to name Elon Musk’s next five kids if he won their fight, but Musk refused TT Archives

• Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk reveal the stakes of their much-anticipated cage match. Should Zuckerberg win, he will get access to Musk’s Twitter account for life. But, if Musk prevails, he gets to choose Zuckerberg’s Metaverse avatar for eternity.

• In the aftermath of South Korea discovering the genius of kindergarten mathematics to make its citizens younger, North Korea’s first and only citizen, Kim Jong-Un (the rest are subjects), declares that he is 25 for life.

June 29

Being cast alongside Kartik [Aaryan] is always a breeze, since I have to devote very little time to dubbing,’ says Kiara Advani TT Archives

• Following a big opening for Satyaprem Ki Katha (no, it does not have bhajans), Kiara Advani explains the secret behind her incredible chemistry with Kartik Aaryan: “We managed to shoot 10 hours worth of romantic scenes last year, any of which can go in any film we sign together without disrupting the specific plots.”

• Several state governments across India (you can guess which ones) have called for a boycott of Netflix’s Lust Stories 2 for “spreading the degrading and dangerous lie that female lust is real”.

June 30

A group of advisers from Wimbledon has briefed Novak Djokovic on how to put the grass in his mouth in keeping with the etiquette at SW19 TT Archives

• Novak Djokovic, who has never met a controversy he did not like, stirs the pot once again ahead of the world’s only event where too much of white does not get one cancelled. Speaking ahead of Wimbledon, Djokovic says: “Nothing else gives me the high that I get after winning here, since it’s the only place where I can openly eat grass!”

• Tired of praising Pep Guardiola, Ilkay Gundogan has agreed to join Barcelona after both the player and the club reached a consensus of complete confusion regarding the transfer’s finances.