The week that should have been

Narendra Modi lands in the US to find out if Joe Biden can really survive five bear hugs in as many days. Biden’s team, for their part, have asked the US President to have “Manipur” stitched onto his suits, so that Modi maintains his physical distance. However, no such reservations exist among Indian-Americans, who could not be prouder of Modi and India’s development from 7,000 miles away. Their attendance at Modi’s welcome events, though, is contingent on having forwarded at least 50 videos from the BJP IT Cell to their family WhatsApp groups over the past month.

Meanwhile, as part of his US visit, Modi meets the world’s second biggest narcissist, Elon Musk, during a closed-doors chat where the Prime Minister gleans from his knowledge of ancient Indian texts to advise Musk on how to send all kinds of things and beings into space. In return, Musk requests Modi to ensure that Tesla faces no consequences once its soon-to-be-launched automated cars run over a few cows on Indian roads.

Elsewhere, Modi’s speech to the US Congress is cancelled as organisers in Washington fail to find a large enough teleprompter.

Wondering what else happened while you recollected how you could not deliver your wedding speech because the love of your life was getting married to someone else? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.

June 19

S. Jaishankar believes that India’s growing international clout is evident from the fact that The Economist writes about the country thrice every week

• In an interview with The Economist, the 76th media interaction he has had this month, S. Jaishankar declares that his biggest goal as minister of external affairs is to “publicly scold at least one diplomat from every other G20 country”.

• A group of Congress workers in Odisha has come under fire for comparing the BJP’s governance of India to the Rath Yatra: “At the heart of it, innocent individuals, who have no hand in how things are run, are being taken for a ride that looks great on TV, but always ends up coming back to where it started from.”

June 20

Droupadi Murmu takes each of her daily meals exactly half an hour after the PM has finished his

• An hour-long programme based on “months of non-stop investigation” by NDTV into President Droupadi Murmu’s diet reveals that the first citizen of India eats whatever the Cabinet ministers ask her to.

• A 27-year-old man in UP has been punished by his in-laws for asking for dowry by being forced to cook dinner every night for the next six months while his wife remains immovable on the couch.

June 21

Talks about turning the Pride flag white, since white reflects all colours, were wholly rejected by the Association of Non-White Whites in the US

• The much talked about Pride flag has been taken down from the portico of the White House after the US senior administration could not reach a consensus on how many letters and colours should be added to the standard.

• On the occasion of “Everyone is Welcome Unless You Overstay”, also known as World Refugee Day, the UN proposes a new definition of refugee as someone “who is hated by at least two political parties in the country of their refuge and stands a legitimate chance to be driven out by at least one of them”.

June 22

Barcelona have given into Neymar’s demand to have his own DJ in the dressing room

• Neymar is all set to sign for Barcelona in the coming days on the condition that he spends more minutes on the pitch than in hospitals and nightclubs combined.

• Spotify announces the cancellation of its multi-million dollar podcast project with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, since “the couple couldn’t decide what to include as part of their conversations that wouldn’t sell better in a memoir, documentary or obituary (of someone belonging to the royal family) later on”.

June 23

Alia Bhatt says that 'I had to change more outfits during ‘Rocky Aur Rani’ than I did before meeting Ranbir [Kapoor] on our first date'

• Alia Bhatt, who spent more time on Instagram promoting Heart of Stone than filming scenes during the shooting of Rocky Aur Rani Ki Prem Kahani, admits that the real love story on the sets of the latter was between Ranveer Singh and Karan Johar.

• After Netflix asks Indian fans to suggest Black Mirror-inspired innovations in real life, luddites and technophiles alike find their inner Steve Jobs (even though many of them cannot find actual jobs). Among the suggestions going viral are: a dating app where straight men are paired with lesbian women who can talk to men’s potential dates for them, an office mood sensor that alerts you to resign before HR sends you to another corporate retreat, and AI-equipped doors that can predict (five minutes in advance) which of your parents is going to barge into your room just when you enter incognito mode.