Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred.

Grok, the smartest dumbest thing on X, is paywalled after just nine hours as Elon Musk realises that “I cannot give my best friend away for free”. Musk also promises that Grok will investigate the apparently mysterious death of the Open AI whistleblower faster than the US police, even as it draws up a detailed peace plan for Gaza that Donald Trump needs to memorise before his Presidential inauguration. Trump, for his part, is enjoying Grok to create videos of Barack Obama fumbling like Joe Biden.

Meanwhile, Iran, which has misfired more than Rohit Sharma over the past six months, is reconsidering its strategy of funding regional proxies. Iran’s top leaders, more possessive about their weapons than they are about their beards, are debating a tactical pivot — promoting Sufi boy bands that can double up as intelligence officers, refining a South Korean model that Seoul insists does not exist.

Elsewhere, India’s Priority Meloni Office (PMO) has written to the Italian Prime Minister regretting its inability to present her with “the best slice of Turkey for Christmas”, since one strongman in the Middle East cannot be antagonised to please one strongwoman in Europe.

Wondering what else happened as you discovered that your Secret Santa is actually a bot? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.

December 16

Olaf Scholz reserves his comments regarding rumours that he lobbied no less than 153 MPs to ensure they voted against his government Getty Images

• Olaf Scholz breathes several sighs of relief as a vote of no confidence passes against his government, leaving him free next year to write his memoir. Until new elections in February, Scholz will be caretaker Chancellor, taking good care to source more content for a book that proves why Germany needs a “Gentleman of Clay more than an Iron Lady”.

• Desperate for headlines, Rishi Sunak shows up at a Rishi Sunak look-alike competition in London pretending to be Ashish Nehra.

December 17

Conor McGregor said yes to travelling to India the moment he heard that less than 10 per cent of assaults in the country are ever reported Getty Images

• Conor McGregor has accepted a Rs 200 crore offer to fly to India and contest in a boxing match at Vantara, where he will be squaring off against Anant Ambani’s five closest (and biggest) friends.

• In an excerpt from his upcoming autobiography, the world’s most sacred Argentine (after Lionel Messi) admits: “I struggled with abstinence for decades, but I wanted to prove myself to the Almighty. I tested myself by constantly surrounding myself with children, and I eventually prevailed.”

December 18

Voters who have not turned up to vote in the past three election cycles will automatically see their votes transferred to the Centre under the new bills Getty Images

• One Nation One Election, originally intended to give India’s Prime Campaigner more days off, is now being pitched by the ruling party as a logistical silver bullet. An explainer from a party spokesperson says: “Through the new bills, we will attain new levels of election efficiency. Imagine you are voting twice during the election — first for the Centre, then for the state. If you happen to vote for us at the Centre, your vote for the state will automatically be transferred to us, speeding up the counting process manifold.”

• To counter allegations of disrespecting BR Ambedkar, the powers that be have announced a spree of initiatives — a series of campaigns tailored around Ambedkar’s spectacles, a statue of undisclosed height of Ambedkar arguing with Jawaharlal Nehru, new history books removing Ambedkar’s conversion to Buddhism, and a new Constitution for India whose Preamble is dedicated to Babasaheb.

December 19

Virat Kohli is apparently practising a form of visualisation that makes cover drives look like chhole bature Getty Images

• Sensing an opportunity to do good for its brand ambassador and the country, MRF has resolved to donate Rs 5 lakh to charity for every ball that Virat Kohli leaves outside the off stump in the remainder of the Border Gavaskar Trophy.

• Fifteen different football associations, including England’s FA, have written to FIFA expressing strong disapproval of Saudi Arabia hosting the 2034 World Cup, as it “leaves no place for one of the most integral elements of tournament football — drunken brawls and hooliganism”.

December 20

“I’m glad to have spoken more lines in two episodes of ‘Dune’ than in all my films with Ajay [Devgn] put together,” shares Tabu HBO

• Tabu, whose entrance in Dune: Prophecy made fans wait longer than Tabu waited for Ajay Devgn, confesses that she had second thoughts about doing the show when she found out that the makers had cast her after watching her performance in Golmaal Again.

• Following a night in police custody, Allu Arjun reveals the most frequently asked questions to him by inmates were related to “smuggling, and not just of sandalwood”.