Of course the morning began with a young man offering me a bank loan. Of course he addressed me in Hindi. But I felt different today. “Ma’am, main XYXY bank se Suman bol raha hoon. Kya aapka kuchh personal loan requirement hai?” the young man asked.
“I don’t understand Hindi,” I said. “Why do you think all Indians should understand Hindi?” I added.
“Sorry Ma’am, then which language are you comfortable in?” he asked, mind you, in English.
“Sanskrit,” I said. This was followed by an absolute silence, for about 10 seconds.
“Excuse me, Ma’am, but…” the poor man began.
“Why are you so surprised?” I asked. “Didn’t you hear our Prime Minister on World Sanskrit Day? He had reminded us earlier that Sanskrit was the mother of many modern languages. I think he was being modest. I think it is the mother of all modern languages, except, maybe, Manipuri.
“On Sanskrit Day, August 31, though one would expect the occasion to be much older than the Gregorian calendar, he tweeted (Xd?) one whole sentence in Sanskrit and urged the nation to do so, too. Actually he posted two sentences. They were about India hosting G20 and our great culture. This was the first time that ‘G20’ was used as a Sanskrit word.
“In response, the Union minister, Piyush Goyal, posted another whole Sanskrit sentence using the word, G20. Then the Assam chief minister, Himanta Biswa Sarma, posted one more, saying Sanskrit was the language of devtas (with diacritics), and is intrinsically linked to Bharatiya culture. This was a very good language exercise because before that I thought Vasudhaiva Kutumbakam meant G20,” I told my caller.
He was still there. I think personal loan callers cannot hang up on potential clients, however abusive, because their appraisals suffer. “I know you are feeling uncomfortable,” I resumed, “perhaps because you are being forced to listen to a woman. Not to worry. This will be taken care of, too, through Sanskrit,” I said. “The women’s reservation bill has been passed. They are saying it will take long to be implemented because it is linked to delimitationam, which, in turn, is linked to the censusam, which is very vilambitam (mark my knowledge of Sanskrit). But that’s not the real reason. The bill is called Nari Shakti Vandhan Adhiniyam. Now who will dare to go near something that sounds like that?” I roared. “Therefore, all womenam will be kept in placeam. Amritakalam, amritakalam”
“And in this way, India will become Bharatam and Delhi Indraprastham. The Pandavas had built their magic palace in Indraprastham. It was actually built by Mayasura, a brilliant architect. It would crush any global competition, such as what Kubla Khan built in Xanadu. The Pandava’s palace had many stunning features, including floors that reflected light in such a way that they were mistaken for pools of water, and a pool of water that was mistaken for an intricately designed floor. Now arch Kaurava Duryodhana fell into this pool, thinking it was the floor, and Draupadi laughed at him. Then one thing led to another and we land straight into Kurukshetra.
“So were the flooded floors of the Bharat Mandapam during G20m a deliberate illusionam? Very likely, because we know how dependent the Centre is on the myths and imagery of the grand epics and is denying the waterlogging. We just have to beware of those who might have laughed. I also feel that the word, ‘capitalism’, takes on many more meanings now in the Indian context, from being associated with rich nation parties as well as with an old capital city getting a drastic assault, sorry facelift, and its language is Sanskrit.
“Then why on earth can’t you talk about personal loanam in Sanskrit?” I charged. He had disconnected finally. But I have no one else to bully.
