Welcome. We do monsters. What would we do without monsters? What would we even be there for if there weren’t any monsters? In order to be what we are, we need monsters. It is Them who make us Us. Monsters are necessary, we are if monsters are.

What size would you require? And what degree of ferocity? Don’t have cause to worry, Ladeez and Laydaaz, our products are guaranteed, ISI-marked, whatever you choose to make of that: ISI. Understood na? Indian Standards Institution. What were you thinking, you pernicious, insecure minds? When we certify things to a standard, we say ISI-marked. We do that even for our oils, let alone anything else.

Oils are important. Oils keep us going. Oils keep the factory lubricated. Without oils, they would be taken by rust and we would not know what to do, or how to proceed. Rusted things have a way of not proceeding. Like bad memories. Or bicycle chains. Ghatar, ghatar, ghatar, phisss! Won’t move. Oils are necessary. Oils are what move history. Oils are what have brought us to this pass.

We are pretty well-oiled now. We are churning. We are churning monsters with our oils. We are oily folk, but pardon us, we need our oils. Or how else would we be running this factory? There are many kinds of oils we need and use — diesel, petrol, kerosene, paraffin, mustard, sunflower, cornola, apricot, hops, barley, mint, champa, coconut, almond, walnut, mentha, jasmine, rosepetal, chilli, cabbage, garbage, rapeseed, oh baba, rapeseed too, and whatnot. Even whatnot gives oil. If you squeeze anything enough, it will give oil. Believe you me. Before it gives blood, it will give oil, tel nikal jaata hai. All manner of oils. Oils from even stuff that does not yield oil. Like BMKJ oil. That has to be churned and pounded hard but it yields results when you are done with it, this BMKJ oil. It is the preferred oil now, it is the oil whose rampant sales are raging all over and keeping the Market aloft like

Viagra can keep fallen things aloft. For a while. Jai BMKJ. And so saying we make monsters that will encourage us to pronounce BMKJ even louder. And the louder we proclaim BMKJ, the more these essential oils will drip and flow.

So what we do here is this. It’s quite simple really. We catch them young. And we shut them up. And then we catch their older ones and put them through things that make the younger ones weep and wail and flail and eventually have nightmares. Then we censure them for having nightmares. We tape their eyes. We seal their lips. We suffocate them, their limbs, their speech. We chop their wings. Then, should they still try to flap about, we shoot at them and disable them. Or, very often, do worse things. We make them squirm. We make them angered. We feed their rage with daily distribution of prescribed monster factory diet. We violate simple sensitivities, one after another, trick by tortured trick, relentlessly. Our actions are so designed that they make those who we caught young react in strange and violent ways. We keep going at them, and everything dear to them, until it is so that they come at us. There. You have a monster made. Thereafter, it all becomes easier and justifiable. What do you do to monsters? What should be done to monsters? What do civilised folks do to monsters? There. That’s why we make monsters. So we can do to monsters what should be done to monsters. Samjhey, bhaaiyon-behnon?

Oh we do specialise

In what we reduce

We cut you to size

And monsters we produce.