Very soon a new exercise in grammar is going to be introduced to school examinations. Students will be expected to attempt a radical way of constructing sentences. For this purpose, the students will be taught a new kind of sentence: the intimidatory. It is a sentence that has a threat built within it. The more fear it inspires, the more successful it is. The exercise will require transformation of sentences from one form to the intimidatory. You can add any word, and even do away with grammar, because to be able to be intimidating in speech and, thus, in behaviour, is far more important for young minds to learn than any rule. This will truly fill in important gaps in their education.
The best examples of the intimidatory sentence are from the evil bahus of TV serials or from national politics, where we find more than evil bahus.
The sight of sindoor, that scintillating vermillion streak that identifies good Hindu women, stirs something in the viewer and activates entire karmic cycles within the serial. Who can grab whose sindoor defines victory and loss for the women, because sindoor is Das Kapital for all women. Red, too. So many life skills to be learnt from this battle, especially for growing girls with impressionable minds. For this, sentence construction is absolutely important.
For example, an ordinary statement — “How long will the sindoor stay on your parting?” — can turn intimidatory (coming from the evil bahu) — “I’ll see how long the sindoor stays on your parting.” Just two words. And you know who is the boss. Similarly: “Is it right to apply sindoor just when you have learnt that your husband has been in a car accident because you lost the kheer-making competition last evening and he has lost all his memory?” Intimidatory: “You will leave the premises of the Chaudhary home right now because you are applying sindoor when you have…etc.” All Indian girls, irrespective of caste, creed, community, should aspire to be the bahus of the Chaudhary parivar, with the knowledge that you can be thrown out any time.
The same principles apply to the life of our nation. We should all aspire to be the members of one particular parivar. Or else be condemned to a life of meek interrogatory sentences. And worse.
Examples. Question: “Does milk have an expiry date?”
Intimidatory: “All milk has an expiry date, except cow milk, which is divine.”
Question: “Can I not have chilli chicken with bones this time, please? I like boneless.”
Intimidatory: “No, you must have chilli chicken with bones always because it builds your character and the nation’s and if you don’t want to have it you can go and live in another country.”
Question: “But wouldn’t that be good for the economy? The GDP?”
Intimidatory: “The economy is for our billionaires to decide. We are the largest democracy in the world. We make IT people and also mobile phones. America is our friend. We have a new A-I, America-India. The rights of minorities are best protected in our nation. By minorities we mean those who have Oolong tea. And A2 ghee. From cow milk from cows which have been fed grass grown according to Vedic principles.”
Question: “Can I not entertain phone calls offering me huge personal loans throughout the day in Hindi?”
Intimidatory: “No you must. Hindi is our national language.”
“But it is not.”
“It is.”
“It is not.”
“It is. Next question?”
“Can I tell you my Mann Ki Baat?”
“Of course not.”
“Can I scream?”
“Of course not. You can do nothing. Maybe just squeak a little.”
So you see, I was only asking, a supplicant, and I was shut up. Learn your lesson. Do not ever end your sentence with a question mark. End with a full stop.
