Nose hair, how many are there with you at the moment, both nostrils taken? Which one has how many more? The left one or the right? The number of hairs that the scissors snipped off your head (and wherever else) the last time you were at the barber’s or in the parlour? What sizes? Will do to have us know in centimetres.

Leaves that fell in fall. Leaves that grew back in spring. What colour leaves fell the most? In what parts did the biggest and smallest leaves fall? We shall skip the medium-sized leaves for the moment, chalo rehne do.

What trees shed the most, which ones the least? And while we are on the subject of trees, would you also tell us how many leaves are on trees? We mean, on an average how many leaves are on full-grown trees? Averages work. That is how we do this business of putting together statistics and then at some stage they are processed into something we know as data. Not easy, but data happens. Now go count the leaves. On trees. Or fallen off trees. Get their colours. The ones on trees. The ones fallen. And let’s process the numbers.

Or if you don’t want to step out and stomp the streets counting leaves on or off trees, dig into your nostrils and get the number of hairs, kyon kya khayal hai?

How many flowers bloomed in this place we are trying our best to blast as well as we can? You know what I mean, how many flowers would you expect to plant in the crater of a volcano, and how many of them will turn to ashes? How many more petals will come unhinged and fall, how many square inches of space they will cover of earth? And how many of those things those flowers released before they were rudely plucked and chucked? We mean that pollen or whatever, those invisible things that come off the core of blossoms and float about looking to breed and crossbreed and often also looking to cause such havocs as sneezing and sniffling. How many of such things did those flowers let off? Which season were the release most in numbers, and which season was the quietest on them?

Numbers please, numbers.

And you ask me for data? On this and that and everything else that comes into your mind or is put into it? And then you mock and dock me for not having data, or giving it? We have done things. And not done them. Or undone them. And we may have data on some or all of that. But we are not giving it. Bas. Sawaal hi nahin paida hota. Baat khatam.

I ask you for figures

But you have only paucity

I feel like pulling triggers

Look at your audacity