This Valentine’s Day, t2 spoke to five queer couples who defined that love doesn’t see boundaries and that love is not a binary concept.
1. Divesh (he/him) and Atulan (he/him)
The first couple we spoke to were Divesh Tolani (22) and Atulan Purohit (27) who are popularly known for their YouTube and Instagram channels ‘Honey Imm Home’. The duo loves travelling so much that one of their fondest memories is when they attended a wedding in Dubai within 24 hours of Atulan getting discharged from a hospital! The Mumbai-based couple met almost five years back when they were both dancing professionals in a contemporary dance company. While Atulan was Divesh’s senior then, both were in separate relationships. Having moved away from home for the first time, Atulan had the pressure to do something big and was very career-oriented. However, Cupid had his own way.
Atulan says, “We started talking in 2019 at the studio and being the only two gay guys in the company, everyone in the company shipped us! One of the directors in the company told us: ‘You guys will date!’ Over a year, we started talking on Instagram and then we started doing little things for each other.”
The couple shot to fame during Covid-19 after their story was featured on a renowned storytelling account. With fame comes a lot of hate, which is anyway a common issue for most queer people with public social media accounts. Divesh, who is presently working as a sales executive, notes: “The word to describe it would be ‘difficult’. Unlike other creators, most of our audience is younger and they come from backgrounds where they are exploring themselves. So, we need to think a lot before we put something out because it is actually affecting minds.”
Atulan, a fitness trainer, adds: “Yes and we never opened our accounts thinking we wanted to be influencers. We had Instagram highlights on our respective accounts so we thought why not club them together under one umbrella?” Notably, the couple tries to show that there is “no difference between a homosexual couple and a heterosexual one — the conversations, struggles and fights are the same, with queer couples probably having extra baggage and trauma”.
Atulan, who was born in Calcutta, never officially came out to his parents but the content he and Divesh put out there reached his parents, which resulted in them not talking to him for three months. He says: “This one time we posted a video about how we met and I told Divesh that it would be best if my mother finds out then I won’t have to come out and that is exactly what happened. Luckily, my brother was with my parents back then and he took the backlash for me.” Divesh, on the other hand, realised in Class II that he felt attraction towards men but could not label it until he was a teenager. When he came out to his parents at 16, it was dismissed as a “phase”. It took them almost six years to make peace with Divesh’s identity. “If you feel you should come out, then do otherwise just take time. Time and trust are extremely important aspects when you are thinking about coming out,” says Atulan.
The couple who see Valentine’s Day as a reminder to do something special for one another, notes: “Conversations are the stepping stone. At the end of the day, if it is a parent, it boils down to acceptance because your child does not need two more people to hate them. Even if acceptance seems like a harder path, kindness must be there. If your children have been in a position to tell you something about their identity, they already know about it. You just have to be patient and kind.”
Asmita Sarkar (she/he/they) and Chaand (she/her)
“Why are the newspapers calling you homosexual?” was the question Asmita Sarkar’s parents asked when her face was on the headlines for her political involvement at Jadavpur University. She was even put under lockdown by her guardians who considered homosexuality a disease. Years later, Asmita’s parents are gradually understanding and accepting their child for who she is. Asmita and Chaand have been in a relationship for over two years and while Asmita identifies as a non-binary person, Chaand is a queer individual who does not like to choose a label.
Asmita is a believer of equity and is presently working with Transform Schools where she is heading PARITY (Participatory Action Reflection plus Equity). She presently works with girl students in breaking social barriers and fighting stereotypes while imparting knowledge on stakeholders that add or subtract from a girl’s journey. Earlier, as a Teach For India fellow, she introduced the concept of single parents and same-sex parents in chapters which earlier spoke only about joint and nuclear families.
Chaand comes from a difficult background and believes in gratitude to be the way of life. Initially, Chaand would also face several issues in making friends in a place like Jadavpur University where she is currently pursuing her Bachelors in Comparative Literature. She gradually gained confidence in her own skin and is now one of the student representatives. The couple balances the need for space and physical presence in a very mature way. While Asmita has a sweet tooth, she also pampers Chaand with flowers and chocolates on a regular basis. When Asmita asked Chaand to be her partner, she had an extravagant tent set-up with the latter’s favourite orchids, sunflowers and blueberry cheesecake that was surprising and overwhelming for Chaand.
Interestingly, Chaand’s mother adores Asmita while Asmita’s parents love Chaand. Asmita is a role model to Chaand and the couple has individual memories of Valentine’s Day that are upsetting. This year will be the first year when they will be celebrating Valentine’s Day and Saraswati Puja, that is popularly known as the Bengali Valentine’s Day, while twinning in white!
(Chaand’s name has been changed on request.)
Dr Surabhi Mitra (she/they) and Paromita Mukherjee (she/they)
Dr Surabhi Mitra (32) and Paromita Mukherjee (27) exchanged rings on December 29, 2021, and plan to get married in a ceremonial wedding soon. The theme at their ring ceremony was starry night while the colour code was black, red and golden. Paromita works at Godrej Properties while Surabhi is a psychiatrist. The Nagpur-based couple had a very millennial start with their first introductions taking place via Facebook after Surabhi conducted a mental health seminar at Paromita’s college.
Surabhi has been in several leadership roles since childhood and has been out and proud since college. Post joining MD psychiatry, Surabhi’s family started getting “rishtas” for her which is when she sat them down and had the talk. She says: “I cannot even imagine staying with a man that way under the same roof.” Surabhi adds: “At the same time, I was exploring through other people by reading up about couples like Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka and Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi. It was only after that I got clarity about my identity.” Expressing her gratitude for not bearing the brunt of homophobia at educational institutes, Surabhi says: “I was not ragged at my college and I did not face any queerphobia. However, when the news of our ceremony got out, several students reached out to me and I am aware that many of them are called names like chakkas and molested too.”
While Paromita was out and proud in college, she faced severe queerphobia while pursuing her education in a co-ed school in Calcutta. She says: “There was a judgement in 2013 which criminalised homosexuality again after decriminalising it in 2009 and I was in a closeted relationship with a classmate at that time. Somehow word got out and right after the ruling, I was bullied severely with slurs written on walls and names being called. In fact, my parents were also called by the school principal and all I said to the authorities was that I love this girl and I am dating her. Eventually, the girl who I was dating, her parents met the principal in place of my parents.”
When the news of the couple’s ceremony first hit social media, they got immense love with some drops of filth. Luckily, they did not even have to reply to the hate comments because other supporters took a stand for them. The couple believes that to be an ally or a family member of an exploring queer individual one must put themselves in the queer person’s shoes, read up from medically accurate sites and have a lot of empathy. This time the couple will celebrate Valentine’s Day in each other’s company and keep it private.
Patruni Chidananda Sastry (they/them) and Raja Rajeswari Devi (she/her)
Hyderabad-based Patruni refers to themselves as “India’s first bisexual drag artiste dad” who is happily married to Rajeswari since 2021. When the couple initially started conversing on social media, Patruni decided to let Rajeswari know about their sexuality and all they received was silence. The next day when they brought up the topic, all Rajeswari said was: “As long as you are vested in me and there is love, your identity does not discourage me or change my perspective about you.”
The couple is also parents to their 10-month-old son who they are bringing up in a gender-neutral way. While Patruni refers to their son with pronouns they/them, Rajeswari uses pronouns he/him so that their child gets exposure to both worlds and makes his own choice while growing up. Talking about queer parenting, Patruni says: “It is very important for queer parents to not impose their belief system on their children and still be accepting and open-minded.”
Patruni, who grew up in Kharagpur, was earlier a classical dancer with their parents never having objections about the same. They chose drag as their form of expression in 2019 as it made them feel closer to who they are in the most authentic way possible. However, when Article 377 was abolished, they identified as gender-fluid to several news platforms and the news reached their parents. As a reaction, their father said: “I don’t know how to treat you differently now that I know this about you but if at any point you see my behaviour changing in a hurtful way, you have to point that out so I can mend my ways.”
When news of the couple’s wedding was afloat, there was a lot of hate on social media and backlash from the community who thought they had kept Rajeswari in the dark. However, Patruni’s stern answers to those comments and Rajeswari’s presence at her partner’s drag performances resolved the issues. Patruni noted: “The scenario of queers in today’s day and world is not merry or sad. Several rights like family and inheritance are denied to trans people like me. For instance, if I was to get a trans certificate, my marriage would immediately become illegal. So, while change is happening there is a long way to go.” The couple will be spending Valentine’s Day this year in different cities due to family commitments and take the day as self-care.
Nikita Prakash (she/her) and Sayantika Majumder (she/her)
Nikita Prakash (Nick), a Maharashtrian, fell in love with Sayantika Majumder who is a Bengali from Calcutta and together they call themselves a filmy couple. They are also one of Flipkart’s first out and proud lesbian couple. While Nick realised about her sexuality at a very young age while having crushes on classmates, Sayantika started identifying herself as a lesbian at 24. The couple talks about their comfort movie Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham and adds that we all grew up watching heterosexual couples to be “normal”. Notably, Nick was also a part of the Mumbai women’s cricket team.
Recounting their stories of coming out to their families, Nick says: “Sadly, one of my former partners outed me to my mother and that resulted in a lot of chaos. Presently, we do not address the issue face-front but my mother is very accepting of Sayantika. On May 31, my brother who I have always suspected has known about my sexuality, got three ice creams and as the clock struck 12 and the Pride month (June 1 to June 30) kicked in, he wished both of us Happy Pride! and I could not stop crying.”
Sayantika noted: “I had no representation of queer people while growing up and it was normal in a girls’ school to have a girl crush. When I came to Bengaluru, I met a girl who I became friends with and she introduced me to the community. That is the year when I visited my first Pride march and when I saw people shouting out slogans and being their complete selves, that empowered me to finally come out to myself as a lesbian. Once I came out to myself, I started writing queer poetry, reading up about the laws and that helped me come out to my parents too. My mother read this article I had written on queer online dating and then the conversations began. She asks me: ‘So, you are a lesbian?’ (Laughs) Questions about marriage, children and other aspects were clarified and thereafter my mother was extremely supportive. My dad is like the queer parent supreme because he has done his own research on queer history and how it has always been a part of Indian culture. In fact, they love Nick and dad gave his tussore panjabis to Nick.”
The couple believes queer marriages should be recognised legally and noted that while the other houses in their apartment have the names of both partners on the nameplate, they cannot do the same because of laws that do not allow queer couples to own property together. Nick is also a drag artiste who goes by the name Bloody Kamina and she gives Sayantika a lot of credit for helping her be who she is. The couple also leads the ERG at Flipkart that is the (Pride) Employee Resourcement Group. They believe there is nothing that conversations cannot resolve be it with parents or partners and that falling in love is easy but relationships are work as they are an equal partnership.