With the FIFA World Cup about to kick off, half the planet is once again bracing to learn German pronunciations and the offside rule (and no, this is not the off-side Sourav Ganguly lords over). For this year’s edition, the government of Qatar, the last name on Sepp Blatter’s Swiss bank statements, has made special arrangements to host the greatest PR campaign in its history by urging visiting fans to post “good vibes” about a tournament that has killed more people than Vladimir Putin’s personal hitlist. Obliging fans in Qatar will get to consume liquor and hold hands in public.
Meanwhile, all 32 teams are busy with their own preparations to trend on Twitter, assuming it survives its own ‘hardcore’ regime. England manager Gareth Southgate has decided that only white players not named Harry Maguire will be allowed to take England’s fifth penalties in shootouts whereas Brazil have built an indoor entertainment complex padded with foam so that Neymar does not discover new ways of getting bored, fined, injured, or all three. Portugal’s Cristiano Ronaldo has been asked to duct-tape his mouth for a month while all Argentina players have been instructed to keep at least 5m distance at all times from Lionel Messi’s left foot.
Elsewhere, FIFA has banned all banners and posters including the words “human rights” at World Cup venues. Those with creative slogans about players and their families are still welcome.
Wondering what else happened while you chose which World Cup team to support based on the joint parameters of the flags in your neighbourhood and the players’ cuteness quotient? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
November 14
Mukesh Ambani has already urged Jurgen Klopp to construct a temple in the Anfield dugout to ward off the latter’s seventh season curse TT archives
- Mukesh Ambani offers to buy Jurgen Klopp’s heavy metal band, also known as Liverpool FC, on three conditions: Anfield will be renamed to Ambanifield, Anant Ambani will get to pick at least 10 starting lineups each season and Liverpool supporters will replace “You’ll Never Walk Alone” with “Jio Dhan Dhana Dhan” as their pre-match song.
- On Children’s Day in India, English-speaking members of the RSS question why Jawaharlal Nehru’s birth anniversary should be dedicated to the country’s children, going as far as asking if ‘Pandit’ is the wrong P-word to put before Nehru’s name.
November 15
Joe Biden opted to shake Xi Jinping’s hand instead of a fist bump after noticing the Chinese leader’s knuckles TT archives
- Joe Biden, who could not remember whether he was at G20 or G7 since there are “too many G-spots in the world these days”, meets Xi Jinping in Bali to hold talks on the right time to hurl Taiwan into global headlines.
- Leaders across Europe, including those of France, UK, Germany and Italy, observe ‘Global Warming Celebration’ Day, acknowledging rising temperatures and their contributions in reducing Europe’s reliance on Russian energy this winter.
November 16
Disappointed by the suggestions he has been getting, Jeff Bezos is wondering if he should preserve his philanthropy for Mars
- Jeff Bezos, having promised to give away the bulk of his massive fortune, invites suggestions on how to practise effective philanthropy. The most popular advice received so far includes paying taxes, building toilets in Amazon warehouses and sponsoring every single Prime subscription in the developing world.
- Following the sensational collapse of cryptocurrency exchange FTX, its founder Sam Bankman-Fried, also known as the trillionaire who never was, releases a heartfelt statement: “My sincere apologies to everyone who, like me, felt that imaginary wealth could never do real damage. I guess we need the banks after all.”
November 17
Emily Ratajkowski’s manager demands at least 46 magazine cover stories out of her relationship with Pete Davidson Unsplash
- Emily Ratajkowski denies rumours that she is dating Pete Davidson just because she wants to find out about the skincare routines of Ariana Grande, Kate Beckinsale and Kim Kardashian.
- The world realises that it has crossed the eight billion population mark in realtime after tickets for Taylor Swift’s first tour in more than four years go on sale.
November 18
Jacqueline Fernandez refuses to speak during her court hearing as no dubbing artists are available TT archives
- Jacqueline Fernandez has been granted bail in a Rs 200 crore extortion case after police told the court that no prison in Mumbai can provide access to Manish Malhotra uniforms as well as a 24x7 hotline to Salman Khan.
- The quiet success of Sooraj Barjatya’s Uunchai, a film on a trek to Mount Everest where the highest point remains the male ego, proves that there is space for three-hour-long WhatsApp group chats among Indian uncles on the silver screen.