Following “extensive surveys” of the kind that the British once used to conduct on protesting Indians, tax authorities in Delhi have found direct connections between the East India Company (EIC) and the BBC, which now stands for Bringing Back Colonialism. The charges have been made on the grounds that “both the EIC and the BBC have a long history of using a foreign tongue to convince innocent Indians that they do not know about their own country”. As a result, the government of India has asked the “imperial organisation” to leave Indian shores immediately and take with it democracy, fish and chips, and Shashi Tharoor back to where they were born.
Meanwhile, desperate for a visit to the other side of the Atlantic, the PMO’s office has announced that Narendra Modi’s imminent trip to the US has been delayed, as the hosts are yet to find an auditorium that can reasonably accommodate all of the Prime Minister’s NRI admirers. The White House, however, has contradicted the announcement saying that the visit has been stalled as Joe Biden is worried that, at 80, a bear hug from his Indian counterpart might end his Presidency before the Republicans do.
Elsewhere, other unwanted visits are about to plunge with Google Maps introducing immersive viewing through 3D recreation of places. This means that India’s incel population can finally get to see their crush’s house without having to check out the nearest police station first.
Wondering what else happened while you remembered how an immersive view of your personality always arrives in 2D? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
February 13
Greta Thunberg’s new book dedicates three chapters to mastering the ‘perfect burn’ on Twitter TT archives
- Greta Thunberg launches her much-anticipated tome, The Climate Book, which is supposed to be the last word against climate denialists, thanks to its exhaustively researched collection of the world’s angriest punchlines.
- Rescue teams sent to Syria by the UN in the wake of devastating earthquakes in the country are left shocked on discovering that Syrians are also involved in fighting a civil war.
February 14
According to experts on geopolitics, US and China are in a situationship where everything is possible but nothing is promised TT archives
- Chinese diplomats have been left heartbroken after US forces shot down a series of Chinese balloons over the American airspace without realising that they were China’s way of proclaiming love during Valentine’s week.
- After declaring that “God is gender-neutral”, the Church of England is planning to rechristen the Holy Trinity as “The Birthgiver, The Born and The Untriggered Spirit (since ‘Holy’ might offend those who have never found a safe space in the sacred)”.
February 15
Chetan Sharma has also divulged which Indian men’s cricketer spends the most time on Instagram and it is not Hardik Pandya TT archives
- Chetan Sharma, the victim of a sting operation that began with a montage of Javed Miandad, reveals that “a former BCCI President and an ex-captain of the Indian men’s team fell out because their managers started beating each other to brand endorsement deals”.
- Two days after the inaugural auction of the Women’s Premier League (WPL), Australia’s women’s football and hockey teams witness a wave of early retirements, with the players realising they have been hitting the wrong ball all along.
February 16
The BJP has instructed Nitin Gadkari to slow down his work on expressways to fit in with the homogeneous rate of ‘vikas’ at his party TT archives
- The first leg of the longest expressway connecting India’s two most toxic cities (sorry Gurugram) is now open. Upon completion next year, it should cut in half the time spent crying by wannabe Shah Rukh Khans on the journey back from Mumbai to Delhi.
- The World Inequality Report, released by Thus Capital, shows that the richest one per cent in India have enough money to feed every single Indian household that lies below the poverty line twice over and still have enough left for 7, Lok Kalyan Marg.
February 17
Most viewers of the Super Bowl were pleasantly surprised by the quality of action that acted as filler on either side of Rihanna’s performance Wikimedia Commons
- Tickets for Super Bowl LVII are already attracting record resale prices as fans of the National Football League (NFL) scamper to buy memorabilia from the night that confirmed Rihanna’s pregnancy.
- Shahid Kapoor’s new web series Farzi, which tells the story of a con artist making counterfeit currency, is facing a boycott on social media by those who feel that the show threatens to undo the six-year success story of demonetisation.