With the Indian Premier League (IPL) back in action, the Association of Middle-Aged Indian Men with a Paunch (MIMP) calls for a boycott of saas-bahu shows and complete ownership of the TV remote every evening for the next two months. Indians between the ages of 16 and 25 message Faye D’Souza, requesting her to provide IPL match summaries as they are too busy hustling on Instagram to watch the games themselves.
Meanwhile, Nita Ambani inaugurates a private tunnel linking the Ambanis’ prayer room to the dugout of the Wankhede Stadium to bring “good luck” to the Mumbai Indians, while Preity Zinta reverts to her annual dose of anti-anxiety medication to cope with the inevitable yo-yo form of the Punjab Kings. The Lucknow Super Giants and the Gujarat Titans are both nudged to submit last-minute requests for an alternative saffron kit and former Royal Challengers Bangalore owner Vijay Mallya claims that the franchise’s cheerleaders are still on his payroll, which is to say that they have not yet been paid.
Elsewhere, the BCCI replies to queries about a full-fledged women’s IPL by saying that it will happen “sometime between very soon and soon enough” and dismisses rumours that each of the 10 franchises has been asked to give a certain BCCI official specially designed glasses for reading off teleprompters.
Wondering what else happened while you cancelled your imaginary dates to root for your favourite IPL team? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
March 21
Khalid Payenda says that he had received an offer to drive around Kremlin officials after leaving Afghanistan but rejected it since their cars are designed to conceal the passengers TT archives
- Khalid Payenda, the former finance minister of Afghanistan, who is now an Uber driver in the US after being forced to flee his home country, tells the Washington Post that he often charges his American passengers an extra $20 to $25 in exchange for insider details of how the Biden administration botched its withdrawal operation in Afghanistan. Hearing this, Fox News’ firebrand anchor Tucker Carlson agrees to hire Payenda as his personal chauffeur and promises to pay the former politician an hourly rate that is within touching distance of the minimum wage in New York.
- The World Happiness Report, which ranks India in the bottom 10 per cent of the world’s happiest countries, has made public some interesting happiness indices across India’s big cities. According to the report, 56 per cent of Indians in Bengaluru are happiest when they don’t have to stand in a queue outside ATMs, while an overwhelming 75 per cent of locals in Chennai rejoice most when an outsider does not speak to them in Hindi. Over in the Capital, no less than 49 per cent of the Delhiites surveyed are happiest when the Prime Minister stops speaking at the end of his national addresses, whereas in Kolkata around 63 per cent of citizens reach the pinnacle of happiness when not refused by yellow cabs.
March 22
Arvind Kejriwal plans a survey that counts Hanuman devotees, as opposed to Ram devotees, in Punjab TT archives
- Special sources suggest that AAP chief Arvind Kejriwal is annoyed with Punjab chief minister Bhagwant Mann for not consulting him before declaring September 28, Bhagat Singh’s birth anniversary, a public holiday in Punjab. Kejriwal’s gripe is that any overt recognition for the Indian revolutionary, who was an outspoken atheist, will undercut AAP’s soft Hindutva narrative across the country. As a mark of apology, Mann has apparently shelved plans of performing a stand-up special in tribute to Bhagat Singh at Mohali’s PCA Stadium in September.
- Donald Trump confirms that he sought American rapper Kid Rock’s advice over what to do with North Korea and ISIS, arguing that “this is what healthy and direct democracy looks like”. Trump goes on to add: “I also understand that I don’t have to act on every suggestion I receive. For example, when I had asked Kanye West about Russia, he was in a bad space with Kim [Kardashian] and asked me to break up with Putin. I was smart enough to never do that.”
March 23
Ashleigh Barty is appalled to hear that some journalists have accused her of confusing recovery with retirement TT archives
- Ashleigh Barty, who took an indefinite break from tennis in 2016, denies that her decision this week to retire is permanent. In an interview with ESPN, Bartey says that “my choice to retire was in keeping with what the documentary makers at Netflix wanted, so that there was more drama in the second half of the film on my career. I’m currently doing all I can to ensure that I win at least three more Grand Slams after the film is out and before I declare my next retirement”.
- Following the announcement by the University Grants Commission that marks in board exams will no longer have any bearing on admissions to central universities, hundreds of young students in Bihar have come out in protest. Explaining the reason behind their dissatisfaction, one of the students, expected to sit for his Class XII boards in 2024, says: “Without board exams mattering, our lives will lose purpose. How on earth are we going to remain motivated to cheat and help our friends by climbing windows, passing chits and hiding answer keys in toilets? This decision has to be revoked immediately, because it’s going to affect the social fabric among Bihar’s youth.”
March 24
Shanaya Kapoor feels that Bollywood is not nepotistic enough and cites India’s political setup as the ideal example of how nepotism should work @shanayakapoor02/Instagram
- Ahead of her Bollywood debut in Karan Johar’s Bedhadak, Shanaya Kapoor, daughter of Sanjay Kapoor, recounts the hardships she had to face during her formative years: “Growing up as the child of a Bollywood celebrity that nobody outside Bollywood knows is tough. You don’t get invited to more than four parties a week, have to settle for an Audi instead of a Rolls-Royce and are never begged by the paparazzi for old pictures with your dad.”
- After the much-anticipated meeting between the US and its European and G7 allies in Brussels, several key decisions have been made with respect to the Russian invasion of Ukraine. Biden has guaranteed that Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky will be named as TIME magazine’s Person of the Year, besides receiving a standing ovation every time he chooses to address the American Senate via Zoom. Boris Johnson has promised that every Premier League team in England will recruit at least two Ukrainian players in their squad starting next season. Germany and Italy have both agreed to offer written explanations to every Ukrainian refugee they do not accept inside their borders while France’s Emmanuel Macron has resolved to not call Vladimir Putin more than thrice a day.
March 25
Guests attending the Academy Awards this year will be debarred from posting any selfies on social media that have more than 33% representation of whites Oscars.com
- The Academy Awards, popularly known as the Oscars, makes it compulsory for guests attending this year’s gala to show proof of having tweeted in solidarity with Ukraine in order to gain entry.
- In the post-match conference after Italy’s shock defeat by North Macedonia for a place at the FIFA World Cup, Italian manager Roberto Mancini says: “I’m proud of the team for protesting against human rights abuses in Qatar by not turning up for the second half of the game. Italians across the world will remember this sacrifice forever.” Gianni Infantino, who is the president of FIFA and half-Italian himself, reacts to the result by tweeting that “Italians and their pre-match suits will be sorely missed during the World Cup in Qatar”.