As temperatures in Kolkata soar above the CPM’s cadre count, bureaucrats in the city have been asked to take half days for the next few weeks for fear of overworking their ACs. Schools and colleges are likely to go back to online teaching until the monsoon, which means that certain select institutions can recruit more students (no extra classrooms required on the cloud) through freshly minted quotas.
Meanwhile, Instagram influencers in Kolkata, who no longer want to be sunkissed, go into hibernation mode as the whirring of fans in their bedrooms is too loud to record 20 flawless reels every day.
Elsewhere, all arrangements have been made to ensure that the recently inaugurated Dhono Dhanya Auditorium in Alipore, which is shaped like a conch, can “emit the sound of Om” (last heard in outer space) once Kolkata crosses the landmark of 50 degrees Celsius.
Wondering what else happened while your relationship broke down as a result of too many watercooler breaks on Snapchat? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
April 17
The Centre believes that same-sex marriage should not be legalised unless a pan-India survey has confirmed every Indian to be heterosexual TT archives
- The Centre tells the Supreme Court that it is too soon to legalise same-sex marriage in India as Indian matrimonial ads are yet to figure out what an ideal husband for a man and an ideal wife for a woman should look like.
- In an attempt to make justice simple, popular and accessible, the government of Uttar Pradesh launches a YouTube channel for the live streaming of encounter killings in the state.
April 18
Timothee Chalamet says that ‘the Kardashians are unique in being the only family that has written more books than it has read’ TT archives
- Tired of being praised by critics for doing roles that stimulate the intellect, the man with the most French name on the planet, Timothee Chalamet, starts dating Kylie Jenner in a bid to star in the upcoming season of The Kardashians.
- God’s favourite voice of themself, Morgan Freeman, says that “Black History Month is a sham since years of injustice can’t be reduced to a single month of reckoning”. Inspired by his words, the Activists’ Union of Twitter (AUI) launches a year-long campaign to call out Freeman for touching more women than mics in his life.
April 19
Virat Kohli says that ‘I now understand how so many people believed that Greg Chappell was a liar’ TT archives
- After finding out that Kolkata has the most potholes as well as the most Royal Challengers Bangalore (RCB) fans outside Bengaluru, Virat Kohli promises to celebrate in the City of Joy by “opening my T-shirt” should RCB finally win the IPL this year. Lower Rawdon Street and Behala’s Biren Roy Road have been earmarked as the spots for RCB’s prospective victory parade.
- Real Madrid and Barcelona rewrite history by describing the Spanish Civil War as a struggle between the two clubs to obtain Francisco Franco’s goodwill.
April 20
Two new staff members have been hired by Buckingham Palace for cutting King Charles’s quiche for him on Coronation Day TT archives
- The Daily Wail in the UK reports that tarragon quiche has been chosen as the coronation dish for King Charles, since Prince Andrew and Prince Harry are both allergic to tarragon.
- Prospects of impending civil war in Sudan have dimmed as the warring parties want to give the CIA some more time to decide which side the Americans will support.
April 21
Early reviews of ‘Tooth Pari’ indicate that the show, ironically, ‘lacks cutting edge’ Wikimedia Commons
- Tanya Maniktala, who plays one of the leads in Netflix’s Tooth Pari, a love story between a vampire and a dentist, denies rumours that the TV show is actually the world’s longest Colgate advertisement.
- New Apple stores in Delhi and Mumbai fail to generate adequate sales as most of their target customers still have obliging relatives living in the US.