The Centre declares that “the attempted hacking of iPhones of several politicians is a sobering lesson for the country, as it reveals the public figures who wield their privilege to use a phone that costs more than what most Indians earn in a month”. Henceforth, all politicians in the country have been advised to use smartphones that are far cheaper to buy and even cheaper to hack. As for Apple, the world’s biggest company has reiterated its commitment to “protecting the integrity of user information in India” for as long as manufacturing costs remain lower in China.
Meanwhile, in the ongoing case on electoral bonds, the government has argued that “the public cannot know anything about the source of political funding as doing so will endanger the right to privacy of public officials and encourage the nefarious development of a ‘deep electorate’ that believes in the undemocratic notion of making a government accountable beyond winning elections”. The Opposition has refused to comment on the matter until electoral bonds become relevant to them.
Elsewhere, most Indians are unfazed at the thought of their Aadhaar data being leaked as long as their personal details do not percolate to any of the relatives they avoid at family functions.
Wondering what else happened as you felt relieved that nobody could possibly identify your Instagram account from your Aadhaar card photograph? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
October 30
Cristiano Ronaldo’s Bollywood debut is going to be an action film with a series of diving stunts, all of which will be done by the Portuguese himself TT archives
- Cristiano Ronaldo will soon appear in a Bollywood movie after being convinced by Salman Khan in Saudi Arabia that “a great body and constant insecurity are all you need to make it in Bollywood”.
- With the New Yorker profiling him as the most skillful liar in the US after Donald Trump, the only Indian-American who is consciously funny (also known as Hasan Minhaj) responds: “There are 95 kinds of truths. My version of emotional truths is one of them. But what the New Yorker has written is a lie. And there are only two kinds of lies — the ones told by elite media and the ones that nobody believes.”
October 31
Most US politicians expected Kamala Harris to stick to ghosting for Halloween TT archives
- Pandemonium ensues across US political circles on Halloween after Kamala Harris shows up for a string of interviews as the Vice President.
- Google has issued a “heartfelt apology” to all Indians after searching for ‘Bharat’ on Google Maps repeatedly leads one to the nearest cowshed.
November 1
“Karan told me that Aditya’s my new boyfriend while we were rehearsing for the latest rapid fire,” shares Ananya Panday TT archives
- Ananya Panday confirms that she is dating Aditya Roy Kapur after being assured by Karan Johar that she is dating Aditya Roy Kapur.
- With more people having seen the Tejas aircraft than the latest film with the same name, Kangana Ranaut, a former believer in common sense, makes a special request to audiences: “Please watch my film in theatres because it’s not a part of the toxic, nepotistic patriarchy of Bollywood. My work is a part of Jollywood, where every scene celebrates the new, confident India, defying anti-nationals and physics.”
November 2
“It baffles me that I’m in danger of being locked up for stealing ideas,” fumes Arvind Kejriwal TT archives
- Delhi chief minister Arvind Kejriwal skips being questioned by Enforcing Deceit (ED) officials, fearing that he might be arrested on charges of peddling fake Hindutva.
- A study by Hate Mondays, Not Capitalism (HMNC) shows that several white-collar professionals in India must work for more than 70 hours per week to produce sustained success. The study explains its findings by saying that at least 80 hours of weekly work is required for the following — for consultants to fine-tune their PPTs, for journalists to fact-check ChatGPT, for influencers to select their bedroom lighting and for bureaucrats to consume the requisite cups of tea.
November 3
South Africa will not be allowed to chase should they win the toss against India at Eden TT archives
- The Eden Gardens is all set to celebrate Virat Kohli’s 35th birthday by making him cut 35 cakes, partake in an “edenic photoshoot” with Anushka Sharma, and personally shake the hands of every single fan who embraced bankruptcy to purchase tickets for the occasion. Additionally, 11 lucky South Africans have also been asked to join the celebrations by helping Kohli reach a special century on the day.
- The Indian Olympic Association submits a formal bid to host the 2036 Olympics Games in India, which could become the first Games to feature yoga as well as an incumbent Prime Minister winning a gold medal.