With Kolkata’s biggest source of happiness (after nostalgia) already underway, Kolkatans are ready to forget once more that mediocrity, unlike Mahishasura, never dies. To mark the only time of the year when West Bengal loves capitalism, the state government has promised rich rewards for all pandals decked up in blue and white. Over in Kolkata’s Westminster, the city’s very own Disneyland has promised to be the first of its kind where the real adventure begins five kilometres and three hours before entry. Most importantly, purohits in charge of anjali on Ashtami have promised to give enough flowers to all worshippers dying to discover their inner Neeraj Chopra.
Meanwhile, cab operators in Kolkata have launched a special offer for Puja, where you can see any 15 of your favourite pandals in the city from inside the comfort of your non-AC vehicle for the additional cost of listening to your driver’s life story. Inspired by this, dating apps have released their own premium package, as part of which you can match with pandal hoppers stuck in the nearest traffic jam for the additional cost of developing a personality.
Elsewhere, Ronaldinho, who has inaugurated more Pujas this year than the chief minister, goes back to Brazil marvelling at how devotion in the City of Joy can be so much wilder than debauchery in Barcelona or Milan.
Wondering what else happened as you came to terms with spending another Puja explaining your job to your neighbours? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
October 16
“It’s easy for those in the BJP to interfere in my private life because they don’t have one,” says Mahua Moitra TT archives
- Responding to accusations of accepting bribes to malign the country’s most successful businessman, Mahua Moitra posts a “full list of all the companies from whom I have received payments in my entire life”. Having done so, Moitra adds: “Now, I challenge the government to do the same.”
- Poles are delighted to find that their latest parliamentary elections have ended the prospect of dictatorship in the country, returning Poland to the safety of being remote-controlled by the EU.
October 17
“I assure you that if I end up playing at the Olympics, I’ll bring Ben Stokes along,” jokes Virat Kohli TT archives
- Cricket will be a part of the 2028 Olympic Games in Los Angeles after the International Olympic Committee finally acknowledges the reach, diversity and depth of Virat Kohli’s following on Instagram.
- Same-sex marriage is not legalised in India since Indians do not have the fundamental right to offend their families. As a result, the onus now falls on Parliament, which, for once, appears disinterested in making history.
October 18
The White House believes that there is nothing to be concerned about after Joe Biden confuses Hamas for ISIS, then Al Qaeda TT archives
- With the Western world struggling to figure out what Hamas really wants, instead of reading Hamas’s charter, US President Joe Biden has identified how to deal with the militant outfit: “First, the US needs to listen to Hamas. Second, the US needs to negotiate with Hamas. Third, the US needs to do whatever Israel wants.”
- As Ukraine begins to lose sympathy faster than troops, Volodymyr Zelensky goes against established foreign policy to “welcome all Palestininans who have more than 100k followers on Instagram”. Seeing this, civil society organisations in Sudan, Libya and Syria request the UN for an “urgent donation of influencers”.
October 19
“Doing action alongside Salman Khan is a lot of fun, since it does not involve too much talking,” admits Katrina Kaif TT archives
- At the trailer unveiling of Tiger 3, Katrina Kaif makes a jubilant announcement, which is bound to make all Bond girls jealous: “This is the first film in my career where I have twice as many action scenes as the number of lines for my character.”
- Dozens of organisations in Scandinavia conclude their experiment with a two-day work week as part of a month-long project called “Midweek is the New Weekend”. The most important trends emerging from the experiment include — a drastic drop in emails and meetings, an even more drastic drop in self-esteem, a considerable surge in the consumption of caffeine and TikTok, an even more considerable surge in whining and dining, as well as the complete elimination of breakout spaces and MBA graduates.
October 20
“Will slapped Rock because, on second thoughts, he realised that the joke should have been funnier,” says Jada Pinkett Smith in her memoir TT archives
- As part of her new memoir, Wordy (previously rumoured to have been Worthy), Jada Pinkett Smith reveals “that things between me and Will [Smith] had gotten so bad that he hadn’t laughed in my presence in six years until… that Chris Rock joke.”
- Greta Thunberg has been arrested in London by the “woke police” and will be kept in custody for as long as it is required for her plight to be acknowledged with the honour of the Nobel peace prize.