With India, that is the BJP (or is it Bharat?), shifting base to a new centre of disruption, the Prime Minister has acknowledged the legacy of the stalwarts who shaped the country’s original Parliament. The acknowledgement thanks multiple PMs who have impacted the present dispensation, including Jawaharlal Nehru for his tryst with dynasty, sleeveless jackets and limited freedom (of speech), Indira Gandhi for visiting more temples than constituencies, Rajiv Gandhi for simultaneously unlocking technology and communalism, Atal Bihari Vajpayee for using oratory to conceal his party’s bigotry, and Manmohan Singh for making the Congress accustomed to silence.
Meanwhile, the new Parliament, whose construction budget could have comfortably educated half the government’s voter base, introduces some changes to the ancient norms of (un)parliamentary behaviour. Among the most notable are: no citation of data procured from “foreign sources”, no use of English words containing more than four syllables (attention Shashi Tharoor and Mahua Moitra), no winking at or hugging Parliamentarians (heckling or punching them is fine), and no compromise on efficiency for the sake of democracy.
Elsewhere, the new Parliament will soon have its own WhatsApp channel (a fresh feature to be found below your crush’s statuses) to ensure that Indians have an alternative to other sources of fake news.
Wondering what else happened as you refused to subscribe to your family’s “Good Morning” WhatsApp channel? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
September 18
Akshay Kumar will receive a detailed briefing from Neeraj Pandey before making his trip to Canada TT archives
- After Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau complained that India had interfered in his country’s internal issues, including the truth about his divorce and chest size, India has decided to send its man for all seasons (especially mango season) to Canada to help resolve the issue. A recipient of multiple honours from Canada in the past and someone who has adequate experience in roles of diplomatic intelligence, this man is none other than Akshay Kumar.
- Both the Lok Sabha and the Rajya Sabha pass the Women’s Reservation Bill, which should come into effect whenever the BJP needs higher TRPs post 2024. The landmark legislation, which will outlaw patriarchy faster than demonetisation outlawed currency, has already resulted in male MPs behaving better with their wives in the hope of making them equal partners in being spectators in legislatures.
September 19
“If Ukraine loses, then the entire world will lose faith in the West’s selective generosity,” says Volodymyr Zelensky at the UN TT archives
- Speaking at the latest session of the UN General Assembly, the world’s proudest supplicant, also known as Volodymyr Zelensky, lays down his demands for Ukraine (and himself): “We need alms… I mean arms… actually both… from any and every country that wants to be on the right side of history (as written by the New York Times); we need a new international security organisation that can admit Ukraine faster than NATO and the EU; we need the Economist to name Ukraine as the country of the century; and we need free passage into every major sports competition so that nobody confuses our flag for that of Sweden. Lastly, I also need a Netflix special.”
- The US and Iran, which had previously swapped only insults, agree to swap prisoners as a test run for swapping extremists in the near future.
September 20
Two Saudi Arabian clubs may soon be a part of UCL football on the condition that their Instagram following exceeds 10 million TT archives
- Coinciding with the beginning of a new UEFA Champions League (UCL) season, UEFA officials meet Mohammed bin Salman (the Salman that does not believe in being human) to understand whether Saudi Arabia has spent enough money on football to be considered a part of Europe.
- The Slowest Bank of India (SBI) has started sending chocolates to defaulters with the passive aggressive warning of repayment before the chocolates expire.
September 21
“Trees and Tagore are responsible for Santiniketan’s selection,” observes UNESCO TT archives
- Following Santiniketan’s inclusion in UNESCO’s World Heritage List, some educational institutions in Kolkata are baffled at being overlooked. A saintly college on a street named after the city’s biggest saint cannot believe that its unparalleled contributions in transforming privileged Kolkata boys into early risers has been ignored. A public state university in south Kolkata is even more shocked at being excluded despite encouraging countless youngsters (no gender discrimination here) to find their higher selves.
- Thousands of heterosexual couples across the planet agree to finish the last season of Sex Education together, only for the men to skip too quickly to the climax and the women to finish by themselves later.
September 22
Tabu admits her gratitude to Shakespeare for portraying layered female characters after turning 40 TT archives
- Ahead of the release of Khufiya, which resembles a Shakespearean drama written by Ian Fleming, the film’s lead actress Tabu reveals the secret that has puzzled her the most: “Why did Ajay Devgn marry Kajol?”
- Disney is pondering whether to transfer the ownership rights of Hotstar to Reliance’s Jio, having belatedly realised that most of Hotstar’s content, employees and audience have long made the switch.