The week that should have been

In the most entertaining double-header since Donald Trump and demonetisation arrived in tandem, two distinct but equally anticipated cultural experiences have been released at the same time. On the one hand is an epochal event originating in the 20th century that should be a byword for American hegemony, the threat of which to the sensibility and sophistication of civilisation remains potent even now. Also known as Barbie. On the other hand is the story of how the precision of design created something so spectacular that every country craves its own collection to this day, with its launch having supposedly paved the way for the happiest period in human history. Also known as Oppenheimer.

Meanwhile, urbane Indian men, whose position on the masculinity spectrum spanning Ken and Robert Oppenheimer is still Kartik Aaryan, opt to watch Barbie first so as to please their feminist partners, who, in turn, cannot stop envying the cigarette(s) in Cillian Murphy’s mouth.

Elsewhere, in a bid to protect the business interests of the latest Mission Impossible movie from the Barbenheimer mania, the makers of the MI franchise add special footage to their film, which shows Tom Cruise marching to the frontlines in Ukraine (it is actually Utah) with nothing but his charm as ammunition.

Wondering what else happened while you spent more on popcorn than all your OTT subscriptions combined? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.

July 17

Both the World Bank and the IMF have hailed Taylor Swift’s concerts as an exception to the law of demand TT archives

• The Association of International Scientists and Swifties (AISS) has officially announced the beginning of the Anthropocene (an age shaped decisively by human activity) after Taylor Swift is projected to hold back global recession with her Eras Tour.
• Twitter announces the launch of Feels, a “one-of-a-kind photo and short-video sharing platform” where Elon Musk will personally pay users $8 every month to “post anything that isn’t safe or boring”.

July 18

Rishi Sunak denies rumours that the bill in question took so long to pass because he was waiting for his wife’s cousins to enter the UK from India TT archives

• The UK passes a bill on illegal migration “outlawing the dubious entry of foreigners by force or fraud for self-enrichment purposes that undermines the natives of the land, as it constitutes a dangerous appropriation of timeless British traditions”.
• Henry Kissinger visits Beijing as an ambassador of peace between the US and China. As part of his role, the lifelong liar (read diplomat), who is older than corporate communism, will advise China on choosing the right country to stage a coup so that it can better understand the moral responsibility of being a superpower.

July 19

'For the BJP to win India, INDIA must lose,' says Rahul Gandhi, unable to resist a grin TT archives

• After the Opposition comes together to form INDIA, which already has more divisions than its original namesake, the BJP inaugurates its own alliance called Born-again Hindus Advancing Reason and Truth (BHARAT). Apart from the BJP, BHARAT welcomes any and every political party whose members do not want to familiarise themselves with Enforcement Directorate (ED) officials.
• Ranil Wickremesinghe, the President of Sri Lanka, meets a group of Delhi’s biggest industrialists as part of his state visit to India to better understand how to enjoy life by constantly borrowing money.

July 20

With a packed promotional schedule in place, Lionel Messi will spend whatever free time he gets in Miami playing football TT archives

• Lionel Messi, who has just replaced David Beckham as the mascot of Inter Miami, will not have to pay any taxes on his income in the US as long as he can fulfil his contractual obligation of clicking photographs with every single palm tree in Florida.
• Millions of men across the world tune into the FIFA Women’s World Cup, co-hosted by Australia and New Zealand, to assure themselves yet again that women’s football is not worth watching.

July 21

‘I’d easily beat Deepika [Padukone] and Katrina [Kaif] in a Bollywood gossip quiz,’ claims Alia Bhatt TT archives

• Alia Bhatt has been selected to head YRF’s Spy Universe as its female lead after Karan Johar confirms that “I gave Aditya Chopra first-hand evidence of Alia’s spying skills from all her relationships”.
• Legal professionals across India are planning to take the makers of Kajol-starrer The Trial to trial on grounds of misinforming the public about how easy it is to feel good about yourself as a lawyer.