Narendra Modi has decided that the time has come for India to officially implement the Uniform Chumocracy Code (UCC), so that the country’s elite schools and colleges stop hosting seminars and debates on what they think constitutes the real UCC (the BJP admits there is nothing “civil” about the UCC). Under the BJP’s version of the UCC, public laws will become null and void should one enjoy the protection of personal laws (read personal networks) as designed by India’s modern Chanakya.
Meanwhile, the BJP has assured the nation that their UCC will have no impact on minorities in India, since they will remain equally oppressed. The Congress is all set to challenge the BJP’s framing of the UCC in court, since it is bound to undo decades of progress made by the Congress in consolidating Nehruvian nepotism.
Elsewhere, Swiggy launches its What To Eat (WTE) feature, which tells users exactly what they should consume at any given point in the day. Ironically, WTE’s default response to anyone enquiring after 2am is to direct them to Tinder, since “food isn’t what you need in bed right now”.
Wondering what else happened while Swiggy asked you to order some self-esteem? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
July 3
“Violent protests are how the French show they’re alive,” assures a glib Emmanuel Macron TT archives
- After riots verging on civil war wreak havoc on multiple communities in France, French President Emmanuel Macron declares the violence as a “powerful example of French secularism”.
- Speaking at the latest Since China is Omnipotent (SCO) summit, organised virtually, Vladimir Putin says: “I humbly request countries around the world to not engage in any act of aggression, so that the international media can remain obsessed with events in Ukraine.”
July 4
Lip readers have noticed Ben Stokes uttering his own name to himself on multiple occasions during the Lord’s Test TT archives
- Still miffed by events at Lord’s that destroyed the spirit of the game as imagined by imperialist overlords, Ben Stokes’s England have decided to “forego the noble aim of keeping everyone entertained in favour of merely trying to win cricket matches”.
- Wimbledon broadcasters have announced that they will be focusing on the live action for just three games every set for every match attended by either Roger Federer or David Beckham.
July 5
“Some people keep running from me at award functions, which is, unfortunately, all the work out they do,” says Rekha in her interview TT archives
- In an interview with Vogue Arabia, Rekha, also known as Jaya Bachchan’s least favourite scarecrow, opens up on why she did not remarry: “It’s because I wanted to talk to interviewers, and not my husband, about Amitabh [Bachchan].”
- Following a string of flops, Akshay Kumar is set to play Lord Shiva in his next film, OMG 2, to regain the feeling of being on a high.
July 6
Margot Robbie deletes all her vacation pictures from Vietnam after the country refuses to release ‘Barbie’
- Vietnam bans Barbie, the best thing to happen to pink since Shoojit Sircar, on the following grounds: “Under no circumstances will Vietnam tolerate another overhyped American adventure that claims to be a force for good in the world.”
- Meta unveils Threads, the compulsive version of Twitter for Instagrammers, which is already tying Elon Musk in knots. Speaking about the USP of the platform, Mark Zuckerberg says: “This marks a golden opportunity for all those influencers who believe that their minds are superior to their bodies.”
July 7
Prospective buyers of Bharat 4G phones are wondering if they can change the Jio caller tune till a more expensive model launches in two years TT archives
- Jio launches the Bharat 4G phone, making it the most affordable way in Indian history to hand over one’s data to the government.
- A leading women’s college in Kolkata, where patriarchy can enter but not men, has modified its admission criteria to include prospective applicants from vernacular boards after belatedly realising that it is still located in Middleton Row and not North Campus in Delhi.