The Kerala Story, the biggest thing to divide India since Besharam Rang in Pathaan, has been declared tax free by some state governments and fact free by others. Some, such as the government of West Bengal, have even banned the film under the mistaken impression that it tells the story of Kerala’s economic development under communism. The RSS, whose members have seen the film more times than the rest of the country combined, has lavished praise on director Sudipto Sen’s child brain for showing the “dangerous consequences of women deciding whom to love”.
Meanwhile, ISIS, known for putting the jihad in love jihad, conducts an internal investigation to find out where exactly the thousands of women it recruited from Kerala have disappeared. The Taliban denies any involvement, saying “we do not believe in trafficking educated women”.
Elsewhere, Indian families for whom having women at home is second only to having money in the bank, prepare themselves for Cyclone Mocha by marking themselves “safe” on Facebook and stocking up on supplies on the 35th floor.
Wondering what else happened while you recalled the impact of the mocha that took your stomach by storm? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
May 8
Elizabeth Holmes’s next venture is to convince the world and herself that she is a world-class mother TT archives
- Elizabeth Holmes, the Theranos founder and Steve Jobs’s spiritual sister (or was it daughter?), is no longer going to serve time in prison. Her sentence was rescinded following a 15,000-word profile in the NYT that proved beyond doubt that she suffers from human-machine disorder (only diagnosed in billionaires).
- The US Pentagon decides that Kemal Kilicdaroglu cannot be the next President of Turkey despite having the popular mandate, since neither Joe Biden nor Donald Trump can manage to pronounce his name.
May 9
Imran Khan will remain in prison for as long as it takes for his potential assassins to find new targets TT archives
- Imran Khan, who had the audacity to not even attempt to flee Pakistan since losing his post of Prime Minister, has been arrested in Islamabad to guarantee his safety against multiple death threats.
- A ceasefire takes place between Israeli and Palestinian forces in the Gaza Strip after both sides realise that the Western media has stopped paying attention.
May 10
When asked what about Raghav Chadha impressed her most, Parineeti Chopra says: “The fact that he is an aam aadmi” TT archives
- Parineeti Chopra and Raghav Chadha, who are all set to get engaged prior to swapping professions, admit to relating strongly with each other over “converting the potential of our 20s into the mediocrity of our 30s”.
- Ishan Kishan has been picked ahead of Wriddhiman Saha for India’s World Test Championship (WTC) final against Australia next month owing to the former’s greater skillset for pre-match Instagram reels.
May 11
“The best thing about being with Leonardo DiCaprio is you know exactly when your notice period begins,” comments Gigi Hadid TT archives
- Gigi Hadid confirms that she has rejoined Leonardo DiCaprio as the latter’s romantic intern after the rediscovery of her original birth certificate confirms that she will not be 25 for another 10 months.
- In an unprecedented achievement, Cillian Murphy has already been nominated for Best Actor at next year’s Oscars after the trailer of Oppenheimer featured him staring at the camera for a full five seconds.
May 12
Rahul Gandhi is confident he can do the one thing in Karnataka that Narendra Modi did not dare to try — speak in Kannada TT archives
- The BJP loses power in Karnataka, where Rahul Gandhi comes of age in the midst of Bengaluru traffic and promises to fix the city’s potholes before the Royal Challengers Bangalore (RCB) become IPL champions.
- The Economist pronounces Noida as India’s most liveable city, since “more than half of Noida’s toxic elements are to be found in Delhi at any given point in time”.