Dear Karishma,
My boyfriend and I are 24-year-old cis gay men, and we are finally feeling ready to try having anal intercourse! I’m both excited and intimidated. Please share your advice?
— Anxious Anirudh
Hi Anxious Anirudh,
First off, Happy Pride! It is understandable that you are feeling excited and intimidated about trying something new in bed. There is some stuff to figure out, but hopefully you will have all you need by the end of this read. For readers other than Anirudh — I will make this a general guide to anal intercourse, regardless of your gender or sexual orientation.
It’s a journey that will take some tries
As you embark on the journey of figuring out backdoor action, you may want to prepare yourself for some possible roadblocks along the way. First time anal intercourse can be tricky. It can take a while — weeks, months, several attempts — to figure out how to relax the muscles in a receiving partner’s anus to a point where it can receive things inside. It can be equally intimidating for a giving partner if they are worried about hurting their partner.
Both of you should go into this feeling mentally prepared that (a) it’s going to be hard, (b) it may take some attempts to get right and (c) it may take several attempts before it becomes fun. Don’t let this deter you, just know that the learning curve can be steep!
Getting ready
Some people like to wash their anus before getting ready for anal play. If you have a high-fiber diet, you’d be surprised at how clean the anus can be. It is some skin, with some smells that could be new to get up-close-and-personal with.
A few people prefer to douche if they are ‘bottoming’ (i.e. if they are the receptive partner) using a water spray or a squeezy water bulb-shaped douche, but it is by no means mandatory. Do what you are comfortable with.
Some also like to relax their anus before-hand with some solo self-play. This can make the process of getting into it with your partner a bit easier. However, you should find what works best for you. Some folks abroad even use illicit substances commonly known as ‘poppers’ to help relax their anus — but please, please avoid taking these without a deep understanding of how they work and how they may interact with any other health issues you may have or other medicines you take.
Some people prefer to douche, but do what feels most comfortable to you Shutterstock
Talk through it
You’re going on a new adventure with your partner — keep talking to each other! Communicate what feels good and what doesn’t, talk about how hard, soft, wet, slow or fast you want the anal insertion.
It can be emotional, particularly when the anus tightens up, or if it hurts. If the insertive partner is inserting his penis, it may also not stay hard/erect enough when the anus tightens up or takes too long to relax. The anus can also bring up feelings of ick because it is, after all, a place we poop from — and that’s okay! Take your time with getting used to it. If you get poop on the condom, fingers, anywhere else, you can simply wash it off.
It’s okay to not get it perfect right away, but please be forgiving towards yourself and your partner. Laugh, make jokes, have fun!
Relaxation is the name of the game
I know you said you’re feeling intimidated, but being relaxed is an important part of the process. The anus is deeply in tune with our feelings. If you feel stressed out, or become emotional, your muscles will tighten and close up. Every step of the way, you should be in a comfortable position — whether it’s on your tummy, your back, or on your knees doggy-style — and breathe deeply.
If you’re feeling scared, stressed out, or anxious, take a break for cuddles or other types of pleasure. Communicate with your partner to comfort you and stimulate other parts of your body, including your penis, testicles, nipples, lick the rim of your anus (rimming), vagina/clitoris (for natal vagina-owners) or anything else that may be pleasurable to you.
Unlike the vagina, the anus is not self lubricating, so use of lubricants is a must
Lube is mandatory
I know I say this about everything, but with anal play, lube is a MUST. Unlike a natal vagina, the anus does not self-lubricate. Lots of lubricant will help reduce friction, increase the slippery-ness and reduce the pain you may feel.
You may want to use a longer lasting lubricant, like a silicone-based lube (which is condom-safe), re-apply your water-based lube more often, or use an oil-based lube for glass/metal anal toys.
Lubricant can also reduce the risk of cuts, tears and bleeding, which is especially important to reduce the risk of infections.
Start small and work your way up
As you begin getting used to touch around the anus, you want to first start by inserting one finger. You can also try a small anal toy like an anal plug or beads. As the finger/smaller toy gets comfortable, and can move around without pain, you can consider sizing up and inserting more fingers, a larger toy, or even a penis.
Any toy, dildo or anal plug you use must have a flared base, handle or loop you can hold onto on the outside. Things CAN get lost inside the anus. The safest thing to use is toys designed for anal play like anal plugs, anal beads, and prostate stimulators. And of course, tongue, fingers, penis — your choice!
Pain is a signal
If anything hurts through this process — do NOT, and I repeat, do NOT push through it. Pain is a signal from your body that something isn’t working, so I would recommend listening to your body. It is absolutely possible to have pain-free, fun and pleasurable anal intercourse. So if there’s pain, you may need to slow down, size down, and add more lubricant
Don’t miss the p-spot!
Deep inside the anus, is a spot that is often referred to as a “male g-spot” or p-spot. About two inches inside the rectum, there’s a spot on the inner wall of the anus (on the side facing the stomach), that allows indirect stimulation of the prostate. People with penises can get a lot of pleasure stimulating this spot!
You can also explore the perineum, or the “taint”, to indirectly stimulate the prostate. The perineum is a strip of skin between the anus and the scrotum (ball sack). Add some lube for more fun.
Safety is sexy
Keep in mind that because anuses have very thin skin and tiny, delicate blood vessels that can easily tear, anal sex can pose a relatively higher risk of STI transmission. Use condoms and dental dams.
Those with natal vaginas should also think about not using the same toy/condom between the vagina and anus. If you’re avoiding pregnancy, avoid ejaculation without a condom just in case of any spillage; the vagina and anus are close neighbors.
Pleasure is our queen
Focus on pleasure, and find ways to have fun! It can be a deeply intimate experience to explore something vulnerable and new with a partner, and I hope you have the best time going on this journey. All the best!
Karishma Swarup is a Kolkata-born and raised sexuality educator, Instagrammer (@talkyounevergot) and works at a global consulting firm. She busts myths about sex, pleasure, intimacy, orgasms, periods, and all things related to sexual health.
If you have a question you would like Karishma to answer, send an email on mykolkata@telegraphindia.com with the subject line ‘Questions for Karishma’ or DM/comment on our Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter.
