Zendaya, Virat Kohli and Mark Zuckerberg headline the week that should have been

Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred.

Now that the new year does not feel very new, old problems have resurfaced. Elon Musk still has too much money and too much time, terrorists are still (mis)reading more books than politicians, aliens still feel more real than climate change, BeerBiceps can still talk, and Blinkit still does not deliver self-esteem in eight minutes or less.

Meanwhile, a survey by Men in India finds that more than 80 per cent of Indian CEOs believe that one hour of their time is worth more than Pakistan’s GDP. The same survey also reveals the five most common things an Indian CEO does in his average hour — memorise quotes attributed to Steve Jobs or Ashneer Grover, gaze at his abs (or flabs) in the mirror, look up discounted suits on Myntra, marvel at the intricacy of his Google Calendar, and ask ChatGPT if it knows him.

Elsewhere, All We Imagine as Light becomes the first film to have been seen by more jurists than moviegoers.

Wondering what else happened as you felt you deserved a Golden Globe for pretending to be a pookie? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.

January 6

“I’m excited to flash my teeth to make the world a better place,” says Justin Trudeau about his UN job Getty Images

• Hours after resigning as Canada’s Prime Minister due to coalition talks impacting his hairline, Justin Trudeau is appointed by the UN as its Chief Vibes Officer. As part of his new role, Trudeau would be expected to pose in marginalised corners of the world to “promote global optimism with his megawatt smile”.

• Indonesia becomes the latest country to join BRICS to help the organisation take a vital step in devising a catchier acronym.

January 7

Mark Zuckerberg introduces ‘Conspiracy Notes’ for all Meta posts, a feature allowing users to flag factual information with the necessary conspiratorial context Getty Images

• Fresh off a “joint engagement” with Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg announces that “all Meta platforms will do away with fact-checkers in order to compete more robustly with mainstream media”.

• Less than a fortnight before his presidential inauguration, Donald Trump decides to outsource his inaugural speech as the 47th US President by inviting ideas on Truth Social: “Send me your game-changing suggestions to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, and I’ll make them go VIRAL!!!”

January 8

The WHO is quietly confident that the ongoing wave of HMPV will pass without most of its staff needing to find out what HMPV stands for Getty Images

• The World Health Organization (WHO) has quelled fears surrounding the insurgent Human metapneumovirus (HMPV) with a press release: “No matter its virality or death count, the WHO does not advise wearing face masks or taking any vaccines with respect to HMPV.”

• With Oyo declaring that unmarried men and women cannot share its rooms unless they have an age difference of at least 25 years, governments across north India have started charging entry fees at public parks post 6pm.

January 9

“The size of my ring is the exact difference in inches between my height and Tom’s [Holland], shares Zendaya on the most insightful thing she read about her latest accessory Getty Images

• Having read 155 articles in People magazine about her “massive ring”, Zendaya is convinced that she and Tom Holland are engaged.
• Following the release of the trailer of Sky Force, Akshay Kumar has been exempted from paying income tax for the rest of his working life on account of his services to the nation.

January 10

Virat Kohli remains mum on rumours that his antics in Australia were down to the need to meet his committed quota of screen time for BCCI’s sponsors Getty Images

• An insider report from Hound the Blues claims that Virat Kohli cannot be dropped or choose to retire anytime soon, since BCCI’s contracts with domestic and international sponsors mandates Kohli playing for India till 2035. For his part, Kohli is doubtful if his plan to show up for the ICC Champions Trophy photoshoot before returning home to prepare for India’s visit to England will fly with the powers that be.

• Netflix, entrusted with shooting Magnus Carlsen’s wedding for a documentary on the world’s finest fantasy football player, cancels the ceremony after Carlsen turns up in shorts and a pullover.