Following repeated requests by Indian uncles facing exorbitant divorce settlements, Meta announces that the next update of WhatsApp will come equipped with a feature to lock chats, to help those whose fingers cannot keep up with their hormones. This is also good news for those Indians still living with their parents, as they can now hand over their phone galleries for their parents to zoom into without having to turn off their internet.
Meanwhile, Tata, which has acquired the rights to manufacture iPhones in India, proudly reveals that should its Made in India iPhones malfunction, one can simply submerge it in a bowl of Tata Sampann Basmati Rice.
Elsewhere, Indian astrologers find a fresh vertical on which to expand their profession now that Saturn is confirmed to have more moons orbiting it than Jupiter.
Wondering what else happened while you came to terms with the fact that you will still be gazing at the same moon every night? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
May 15
Linda Yaccarino says that her contract as CEO of Twitter stipulates her to share at least one NSFW meme every week on her Twitter account TT archives
- Linda Yaccarino, who will soon take over as the CEO of Twitter as a reward for reading all of Elon Musk’s tweets, promises to “continue Twitter’s established legacy of ensuring that nobody knows which Twitter user will lose their blue tick or which Twitter employee will lose their job on any given day”.
- Tom Hanks, who is still recovering from watching Laal Singh Chaddha, baffles fans by saying: “I think AI can allow me to act when I’m not alive. That way, I’ll get to have a flourishing career even after death, just like Jesus and the Buddha.”
May 16
Donald Trump has reportedly hired three ‘Succession’ writers as part of his strategic operations team for the 2024 elections TT archives
- Donald Trump reaches out to Fox News with a plan to secure the US Presidency once more in 2024 after nine separate viewings of Succession’s latest episode.
- Turkey is headed to a second round of presidential elections after the Economist, Wall Street Journal and Financial Times agree that “the world’s most important election in 2023” deserves a bit more drama.
May 17
Sara Ali Khan was offended at the Cannes management because she was not allowed to recite poetry on the red carpet TT archives
- In an embarrassing moment for India, Sara Ali Khan, Esha Gupta and Manushi Chhillar leave the Cannes Film Festival prematurely following their red carpet walks, as nobody alerted them that they are expected to attend the movie screenings, too.
- A Parliamentary panel on OTT content regulation in India has unveiled the PM National Streaming Policy (PMNS), provisions of which deem Prime Video’s Dahaad to be illegal, since “in contrast to the PM’s vision, the show does not maintain sufficient distance between fiction and reality”.
May 18
Rishi Sunak adds with a smirk: “If rain washes out play in the tri-series final, Britain keeps the Kohinoor” TT archives
- After weeks of speculation, Rishi Sunak, the UK Prime Minister, has declared that London will host a triangular T20 series this summer between India, Pakistan and Afghanistan to decide which nation will take back the Kohinoor.
- Vice, which once seemed set to topple the likes of the New York Times, is transitioning into “a full-time visual storytelling platform”. Henceforth, it will only be available on Snapchat, where followers must pay a premium to receive one gruesome image from anywhere in the world every day.
May 19
The makers of ‘Adipurush’ have been asked to remove all romantic scenes between Ram and Sita for the film to run tax-free in select states in India
- The much-apprehended trailer of Adipurush creates a social media storm after Kriti Sanon’s Sita is found to be closer to Ram in some scenes than she is to the fire in others.
- Responding to why women are not allowed to wear shorts to the new woman-only parks in the capital, the Municipal Corporation of Delhi says: “The security guards at these parks are still men.”