Cristiano Ronaldo, Dakota Johnson and Ramdev headline the week that should have been

As the pre-event for the grandest event of the year — the ceremonial union of two dynasts with more billions than letters in their name — gets underway in Jamnagar, it is time to prove yet again that Indian weddings are second only to Indian elections when it comes to wasting money. Those gracing the pre-wedding celebrations of Radhika Merchant and Anant Ambani include the Prime Minister, who is in charge of the rituals after a test run in Ayodhya, as well as Rahul Gandhi, who has been so impressed with the menu (with more items than the Congress will get seats in 2024) that he has agreed to be the honorary food vlogger for the event.

Meanwhile, the who’s who of the business and entertainment worlds are also a part of the guest list, eager to know how Anant impressed Radhika by allocating 30 rooms for her jewellery in Antilia. Among the headline acts at the gala are Bill Gates, flown in to deliver a masterclass on corporate image rehabilitation; Rihanna, who has requested a distance of 500 metres from Indian uncles at all times; and Ivanka Trump (no stranger to being around perverts), who will perform stand-up comedy by impersonating her father.

Elsewhere, select companies around the country celebrate Leap Day (on February 29) by sending emails that are not expected to be replied to before four years.

Wondering what else happened as you came to terms with how February took more ‘leaps’ than your career this year? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.

February 26

Mitch McConnell confirms that his facial expressions are a result of serial constipation TT archives

• Mitch McConnell, who has not been hugged since 9/11, explains his decision to step down as the Republican leader in the US Senate: “I’m letting go of a job that has defined my identity because, at 82, I can no longer function at my optimal cognitive capacity. Moreover, I’ve decided to spend what remains of my political career running for President of the US.”
• New York Times On Steroids (also known as Vice) shuts down its website after its executives announce that “the editorial staff can no longer use the F-word in office”.

February 27

“If anything happens to me while fasting, don’t give me any Patanjali products” is what Ramdev is believed to have told his followers privately TT archives

• Following a ban on advertisements of Patanjali, Ramdev, whose morals are even more flexible than his muscles, goes on a live-streamed fast unto one billion YouTube views during which he vows to perform every asana known to humankind.

• Shahjahan Sheikh, accused of a series of offences in Sandeshkhali, is finally arrested after his party completes its internal assessment of his bank accounts and phone book to conclude that he is not worth protecting.

February 28

“Getting any lower than 98 per cent would mean lifelong embarrassment at family functions,” warn Indian middle-class parents to their children ahead of their board exams TT archives

• With board exam season in full swing, the Association of the Educated Unemployed (AEU) has conducted a survey outlining the five things that make students most nervous — wishing their crush good luck, running out of pens while answering a paper, asking the exam supervisor’s permission to go to the toilet, picking the right pair of socks to stuff notes into, and sharing their registration or unique identification numbers with their relatives (well in advance of the results).

• Concerned by farmers’ protests gathering momentum across Europe, the EU has reached out to the government of India for advice on how to successfully project farmers as terrorists.

February 29

“Fans chanting [Lionel] Messi’s names at my matches should be given a stadium ban for life,” suggests Cristiano Ronaldo TT archives

• Saudi Arabian club Al Nassr defends Cristiano Ronalo’s seemingly obscene gestures (involving pointing to his genitals) by releasing a medical report that says: “Ronaldo suffers from a chronic case of ego-itis, which leads to a sudden pain in his groin. The condition can be triggered instantly on hearing chants of ‘Messi, Messi, Messi’.”

• The BCCI terminates the central contracts of Shreyas Iyer and Ishan Kishan after they cite niggling injuries to excuse themselves from Dream11 ad shoots.

March 1

“I wish the filmmakers of ‘Madame Web’ paid as much attention to my character as journalists,” sighs Dakota Johnson TT archives

• With Madame Web, Marvel’s latest movie written by unpaid interns, tanking at the box office, US theatres have replaced the film with compilations of entertaining press interviews starring lead actor Dakota Johnson.
• After the release of the first teaser of Crew, featuring Tabu, Kareena Kapoor and Kriti Sanon as air hostesses, the Airports Authority of India has lodged a complaint against director Rajesh Krishnan for “including too many scenes where the air hostesses are not smiling”.