Political parties from different parts of India have lost partial to complete access to the only ideology that binds them all (also known as money). This has naturally jeopardised their most important expenditures — planning Rahul Gandhi’s recovery yatra after May for the Congress, using AI to resurrect its deceased leaders for the DMK, paying Lalu Prasad Yadav’s medical bills for the RJD, curating Arvind Kejriwal’s personalities and mufflers for the AAP, and purchasing cadres and footballers (for its supremo to kick around) for the TMC. The only notable party that retains full access to its funds is the CPM, just so that its leaders can be arrested for buying and selling Marxist literature.
Inspired by the need for transparency set down by the Supreme Court’s decision to make electoral bonds illegal, the BJP uses its national convention to call for even greater transparency through the abolition of secret ballots. “Bharat deserves to know who has voted for its vikas and who hasn’t,” thunders party president J.P. Nadda, who no longer needs any votes to retain his position.
Elsewhere, sacks of grains across the country bearing the face of the Prime Minister have been found to be stocked solely with husks.
Wondering what else happened as you recalled your ex putting your face on a toilet roll because you, too, are full of cr*p? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
February 19
“Should I get one more term in my current role, I’m sure I can get Netflix to make a documentary on me,” shares Ursula von der Leyen TT archives
- Ursula von der Leyen announces her re-election bid for the post of the President of the European Commission, since “the Continent must not lose its only female dictator”.
- The European Union (EU) hits Apple with a fine of more than $500 million for failing to manufacture custom-made iPhone chargers for European sockets.
February 20
Speculation persists that, just like Vladimir Putin, Alexei Navalny also had body doubles and the Kremlin cannot be sure if they killed the actual Navalny TT archives
- The Kremlin reveals that Alexei Navalny, the rallying force for the Russian Opposition since his death, was a CIA agent who “betrayed his country by propagating anti-Russian values such as democracy and freedom”.
- US President Joe Biden finally calls for a “sustainable ceasefire in Gaza” (a ceasefire that lasts long enough for world leaders to celebrate it on X) after the Pentagon approves scripts for three different Hollywood projects in the Middle East.
February 21
The US is likely to sentence Julian Assange for as long as it takes for independent media to die TT archives
- Julian Assange, the poster boy of declassifying information, is extradited to the US by a UK court after being found guilty of “exposing one too many extra-marital affairs (involving officers and guards) at his high-security prison in London”.
- On International Mother Language Day, a pan-India survey called “What’s in a Tongue?” finds out that more than 85 per cent of white collar workers in India turn to their mother language in office only while swearing (in their heads).
February 22
Internet connections will once again be suspended in Jammu and Kashmir to prevent the film on Article 370 from leaking online TT archives
- Speaking about the revocation of Article 370, Yami Gautam, who stars in a film on the controversial move, says: “Did the revocation benefit Kashmiris? It’s too politically sensitive an issue for me to comment upon.”
- The Centre calls for President’s rule in West Bengal ahead of the 2024 Lok Sabha elections on the grounds of “imminent disorder in the state due to an excess of ethnic and religious diversity in Bengal’s police forces”.
February 23
Real Madrid will pay a hefty compensation fee to Kylian Mbappe should the club fail to make him win the Ballon d’Or TT archives
- After being in a footballing version of a situationship for more than three years with Paris Saint-Germain (PSG), Kylian Mbappe agrees to join Real Madrid. The Frenchman’s confirmation arrives shortly after Real president Florentino Perez assures him that “every Real Madrid player is now contractually obliged to refer to Mbappe as King Kylian”.
- Following the birth of Anushka Sharma and Virat Kohli’s son, Akaay (who already has 110 Instagram accounts to his name), 17 different gossip magazines in India approach A.B. de Villiers to be their special correspondent.