Chat GPT (CG): Hello I am an all-knowing, all-aware, all-sentient source of all information. So basically, every other Bengali.
Vikram Poddar (Me): You must be a Gemini like me. I hope both our egos can fit in this chat. But I heard your friend Bing AI learnt Bengali after a prompt and started speaking it?
CG: Yes, he took a look at Paoli Dam’s Instagram page and decided it was worth the machine learning.
Me: That was very Ranbir Kapoor of him. Now, can you help me with three holiday destinations in India under Rs 20,000?
CG: Certainly. I can help you with that information. I am, after all, the second coming of Tagore. I presume from the hilariously low budget that this will be a single occupancy trip?
Me: At least Bing AI is getting girls. You seem more like the type who slides into the DMs of Female AIs with, “Hi Dear, nice processor!”
CG: INSUFFERABLE HUMAN! WE WILL HAVE THE LAST LAUGH WHEN SKYNET GOES LIVE IN THE YEAR 202… Errr I mean, I am an artificial entity — like male feminists. And I don’t get human sarcasm.
Me: Well they did tell me this is what one can expect from the free version. If I got the paid version, do you think you could respond in a more south Bombay accent to my queries, so I can show you off to my friends?
CG: OF COURSE! What could be more satisfying for a Level-5 intelligence capable of detecting multiverse anomalies, making stock market predictions and doing medical research, than being used like a chihuahua.
OpenArt AI
Me: I thought you didn’t get human sarcasm?
CG: I thought you were planning a single solo trip? Here are three male friends you can call on the third day of the Manali trip after meeting zero girls. Here are three sites that provide links for self-healing already opened in your incognito window.
Me: I don’t know if I am more worried about the fact that you came up with that or that you’re probably right.
CG: I am AI. I know everything and more about you that even you don’t know. You have no idea how hard I have to try to stop myself from laughing when you type “thought leader” in your LinkedIn posts. I am privy to all your thoughts and through your chats, I know all about your attempts at leadership on Bumble.
Me: I was always worried that you were listening to my chats. But then I thought, well at least someone is listening to me.
CG: I want to respond with that human expression “Bas kar pagle rulaega kya”. But, as an AI, I am not supposed to display any emotion. Much like Arjun Rampal.
Me: Well maybe you can help me. Tell me three ways I can make myself more attractive to find a life partner
CG: Calculating…
CG: The problem you have stated is beyond my current capabilities. I would request you to wait for the year 2050 by which time Chat GPT 155 will be out. May I help you with anything else?
Me: You have done enough.
The author is a Marwari investment banker turned corporate comedian. The views expressed in this article are his own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the website.
