I turn 40 this year. I really wish I could leave this article right here and not have to elaborate on this further. But that would not fly with my editor. And it does not fly with my mother either. More importantly, it does not fly with my landlord, who says, “Bachelors and Bhadralok influencers not allowed.” Most people presume anyone who can survive the rigours of bachelorhood in this country is either a saint or a sinner. I guess the truth is somewhere in the middle.
The biggest problem I face is with children, who think I will give them a quarter because I have a quarter of a century on them. Like this kid at Errr Kids Zone videogame section. I mean, you a******, I waited 25 years to have so much money that I could put endless quarters in the videogame machine and finally finish that stupid car racing game. Of course I had to give up midway because my back pain started up again so the kid took over the game and vindictively crashed the car just to spite me even though he could have kept playing for free.
You get to see the same child energy on dating apps with both men and women trying to one up each other in a battle of wits and a mismatch of nitwits. Nothing changes in this tribal dance — whether you are 21 years old, or 42 with the answers to “Life, the Universe and Everything” as per Douglas Adams. The questions and statements range from “Why are you still single at this age?” to “Uncle, I need a sugar daddy because I don’t have money for sugar. Also, I have diabetes”.
The maid just about tolerates your immoral and pitiful existence because you pay her a salary, primarily to not judge. The work is an optional extra provided on a best effort basis. You almost wish she accidentally finds something inappropriate in your room just so you can feel something.
Married male friends flit in and out of your life depending on how deluded or realistic they are feeling about their marriage. Their comments to you are simultaneously filled with disgust and envy at your single status. For some reason, it is after the most acerbic rant about married life and wives that they will implore you, “Bas tu shaadi karle yaar. My wife needs a fourth for the dinner set to be complete.” Married female friends simply treat you as nicely as they would a lost puppy. It helps with the occasional meal, and having a friend considered the loser in the group thrown your way as a “prize catch”. To be fair, the prize catch may have the same opinion of you.
But overall it's not too bad of a life. I am however wary of telling you just how not bad it is lest you go and tell my friends. But do help your bachelor friends with the occasional IKEA shopping trip and drop in once a year to check if they are breathing. Because once you hit 40, ‘single’ is not even a relationship status — it’s a habit as natural as breathing. On that note, do ask your wives to connect me with their single friends as long as they are breathing.
The author is a Marwari investment banker turned corporate comedian. The views expressed in this article are his own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the website.
