We’ve often heard Bollywood boasting about leave-your-brains-behind-at-home cinema. But what does one do in Year 2020 where cinema is coming to you right at home? Where does one leave one’s brain behind, in that case?

That’s the question I found asking myself constantly as I watched Coolie No. 1, the big Christmas release on Amazon Prime Video. Granted, Coolie No. 1 (which, by the way, is a soft-hard remake of the original 1995 film of the same name) is not meant to be Citizen Kane. But can one at least expect tomfoolery to come with the guarantee that it will not be so tortuous so as to thrust you into a situation where you question your own existence or sanity, or both? Well, that memo never really reached the sets of Coolie No. 1.

After making son Varun step into twin roles in the godawful remake of his own hit Judwaa, director David Dhawan casts Varun once again in two parts, taking bits of this comedy of errors from everything, Angoor to Chachi 420, but not really upgrading the 1995 original in 2020. So you still have the same sexist and body-shaming jokes, the stale slapstick situations and the familiar ending. With Varun dressed in a pink nurse’s uniform, no less.

Over 134 minutes, we watch a story unfolding that we have seen before. Rich Goan guy Rozario (Paresh Rawal, speaking in Gujarati-accented English) wants his younger daughter Sara (Sara Ali Khan) to marry a billionaire. “Jo bhaji-tarkari khareedne plane mein jaaye aur jiske paas itna paisa ho ki doosre deshon ko woh loan de sake”, says Rozario when he isn’t screaming, “Heaven on the docks, man... whisky on the rocks, man” (yes, that’s his signature line spelt out at least 20 times in the film, and he’s not drinking whisky in either).

With Akash Ambani already taken, matchmaker Jai Kishen (Jaaved Jaaferi) lines up a few potential suitors, but Rozario humiliates Jai Kishen to the point of the latter deciding that he will teach him a lesson. So in comes ‘coolie no. 1’ Raju (Varun) who has already given his heart to Sara based on one photograph. So Jai Kishen becomes Jackson and Raju becomes Raj Pratap (apparently the son of the king of Singapore!) and they manage to dupe Rozario, even as Sara falls in love with Raju. The rest is 100 minutes of chaos, heightened melodrama, cheap jokes and mistaken identities, before the film hurtles towards its climax. By then, you, the viewer, have been thrust deep into coma.

The original Coolie No. 1 was no classic, but it had Govinda. And Govinda could make you believe he could do anything and get away with it. Varun, without a doubt is earnest and plunges into the part(s), but he lacks the irreverence that can only come with a Govinda performance. For a good part of the film, Varun imitates Mithun Chakraborty’s pelvic thrust-powered style of dialogue delivery. It’s funny in bits, but we have seen that being done better before. This year, no less, there’s been Rajkummar Rao in Ludo acing it like no other.

“The screenplay, dialogues, choreography have been adapted to a more modern world,” is what Sara Ali Khan had told t2 in an interview this week. Sure the sets are snazzier and the song and dance upgraded in terms of beats and moves (though they do retain Main toh raste se jaa raha tha and Husn hain suhana), but the premise itself is too dated, especially when you see a comedy of errors like this unfolding in the age of Google and smartphones.

And by relevance did they mean those scenes where Varun’s Raj/ Raju constantly dabs his hands with sanitiser whenever he shakes hands with someone? Oh, there’s also a poorly-written coronavirus joke thrust in somewhere.

A slew of comic actors — there’s Johny Lever and Rajpal Yadav, besides Rawal and Jaaferi — try to lift the film, but there’s nothing you can do when the material itself is so shoddy. “Mozzarella cheese ki aulad” is a legit insult in this film. Sara, meanwhile, is only left to preen and pout, with the talented Shikha Talsania, as Sara’s sister Anju, reduced to a caricature.

Granted that this is a year that hasn’t made us laugh much. But maybe you should try and get your fix elsewhere. Watching Coolie No. 1 may just end up doing the opposite.