Confined into one little room as I recovered from Covid, I afforded myself the guilty pleasure of binge-watching The Fabulous Lives Of Bollywood Wives. While I was voyeuristically devouring the grandeur of Doha, and vicariously enjoying the girl getaway of these four middle-aged mothers, and wondering when I will plan my own, Neelam Kothari (one of the protagonists of the series) came on screen to share how she has actually surprised her own self on this trip. Her character loved getting away from the humdrum of her mundane routine — the husband, the work and the kid — but somewhere down there she was feeling guilty being away from her daughter.
That struck a chord because for as long as I can remember, I have been a guilty mother. That is not to say motherhood had ever held me back from doing what I enjoyed doing, and rightly so. But the exuberance was assailed by feelings of doubt. Am I doing enough as a mom? Should I be at this fancy book launch or should I be putting my child to bed with a bedtime story? Should I be on this cosy dinner with my husband or would it have been a better idea to just get my little one along? After all, she enjoys eating out too!
Our literature and movies have been full of references to this overriding emotion. I have always found the movie Kramer vs Kramer fascinating in this regard. Joanna is a woman, who has to “abandon” her son in search of self-fulfillment. But despite that, the sense with which you always come back from the movie is not of her journey. It is that of a mother who is not present. You would say this was the ’70s. But as recently as this year, we see the unforgiving gaze on the mother in Shakuntala Devi. The film tries to redeem itself in the climax but the undertone of the verdict is very clear throughout. Pronounced guilty.
Circling back to my own experience, at work, while a lot of my colleagues afforded the pleasure of solo travel, I would think that was an excessive indulgence. Shouldn’t she just finish the work trip and dash back home? “Once you are a mom, your time belongs to your child. Your children are your primary responsibility. So only take as much time off as is absolutely necessary.” That’s what my mom taught me. God, she needs to get a life!
Once I happened to be on a publicity trip with one of my celebrity authors, who was a multitasking ninja and also a mother. The two days I was with her, I was taking in her super hectic schedule, which was, as I imagined, full of back-to-back work trips. She managed to enquire about her little one in between interviews. The first chance we had for some breather, I just had to ask, “So how is the kid managing?” She was kind enough to tell me how they manage when she is travelling and then because I can never hold back, my leitmotif had to come out “Don’t you feel guilty?”
Now, I know, all empowered and evolved women out there will be ready with a poleaxe for me by now. But this was my reality and to project anything else would be dishonest. She told me something which I feel like sharing with other mothers who can identify with this feeling of a constant nagging sense of inadequacy. “Guilt is the most useless emotion. It just brings you down. Doesn’t add any value.”
For most mothers who think they are not doing enough, the feeling also somewhere stems from the sense that no one can do what we do for our kids. That we are irreplaceable. How will our children manage on their own? The thing is, they actually do. And sometimes, they like that breather. Ask me! I am a 40-year-old who is still being actively mothered.
Over the years, and if I am honest, particularly this year, I have gradually learned to just be. It’s ok. I know as mothers we always do our best so it’s ok if our best is not good enough. That’s the nature of expectations, even the ones we have from ourselves. They will never be fulfilled.
And in this regard, Covid, ironically, has been a great enabler. Quarantined immediately as I developed symptoms, it gave me a fly vision vis-a-vis my own family. As I lay isolated in a room, I could overhear life carry on without me. My husband did an awesome job taking care of our daughter and the household. The meals were on time, homework was uploaded to the LMS, screen time actually reduced.
Confined as I was by protocol, I had no guilt of “abandoning” anyone. I was finally on my own. I have watched more movies in quarantine than I have this entire year, read more books than I could have imagined. I have led a guilt-free life and I think I will be a happier mom when I am out of my confinement.
The author is a former publishing professional and the founder of The Happy Mom’s Cafe (www.thehappymomscafe.com), a blog for mothers. She can be reached at preeti.chaturvedi@gmail.com
