The 17th and the last Lok Sabha to decide on national matters in Parliament (key decisions will henceforth happen at the headquarters of business conglomerates from Gujarat) comes to a close with a number of dubious distinctions to its name. Politicians have spent more time speaking to BeerBiceps (also known as a useful idiot) than to their colleagues in this Lok Sabha, which has seen the Prime Minister redefine the meaning of unquestionable leadership. The busiest people in the House, though, have been the camera personnel for Sansad Television, tasked with exercising greater scrutiny on the faces of Opposition members than our ministers are used to exercising on bills.
Meanwhile, the home ministry declares that the farmers marching to Delhi are not from India but have “come down illegally from Canada to malign our government’s reputation”. Conscientious influencers passionate about virality and facts (in that order) quiz the farmers about Justin Trudeau only to find that most of them think he is Tom Cruise. Out of nowhere, another ageless icon, Rahul Gandhi, joins the protests but quits after 36 hours of not being interviewed.
Elsewhere, thousands of Indians suddenly remember checking up on their distant cousins in the US now that the Apple Vision Pro is available there.
Wondering what else happened as you discovered that Apple’s latest gadget costs twice your self-esteem? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
February 12
“I support Joe Biden because I can’t help rooting for men who forget things,” explains Taylor Swift TT archives
- At the end of their longest ever date (mostly referred to as Super Bowl LVIII), Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce unveil their “Biden 2024” t-shirts. Hours later, a grateful Joe Biden thanks Beyonce and Tom Brady on X.
- The Gossip Gang reports that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is reconsidering its choice of Lily Gladstone as the winner of this year’s best actress award after noticing how rarely she smiles in the company of the rich and the famous at the annual Oscar nominees’ lunch.
February 13
One ex-Indian navy officer is believed to have been spared his life after quoting a series of Shah Rukh Khan dialogues in Qatar TT archives
- Qatar agrees to release eight ex-Indian navy officers after Shah Rukh Khan promises to shoot the climax of his next Bollywood blockbuster in Doha, with several Qatari diplomats appearing in villainous cameos.
- Having impressed Vladimir Putin with his reluctance to ask questions, Tucker Carlson (America’s version of Arnab Goswami, albeit better dressed) is hired by the Kremlin as its chief propaganda officer. An incensed Donald Trump warns Putin that Carlson may be a CIA agent after all.
February 14
Lovesick boys rehearse clicking photographs by using Saraswati idols as models TT archives
- South Kolkata boys claiming to be “cognitive atheists” on dating apps (including LinkedIn) turn into Saraswati devotees overnight upon realising that the only thing their partners want on February 14 is the perfect pandal candid.
- As per clause 109 of section 69 of the Interring Truth (IT) Act, The Caravan has been asked to take down its profile of Jay Shah (from August 2023) for “egregiously misreporting Mr Shah’s height and waist size”.
February 15
In-depth research by the Centre indicates that the one who asked Jawaharlal Nehru most questions outside Parliament was Edwina Mountbatten TT archives
- The Centre announces that the Bharat Ratna will be conferred on all those politicians (dead or alive) who “championed democracy” in India by asking more than five questions to Jawaharlal Nehru in Parliament.
- The only court in the land with more personalities than judges rules that electoral bonds are illegal in an attempt to revive the manufacturing of suitcases.
February 16
“CSK players as well as my dad prefer listening to Mahi bhai over me,” admits Ravindra Jadeja TT archives
- Ravindra Jadeja’s father, Anirudhsinh Jadeja, takes back all his allegations against Rivaba Jadeja, his daughter-in-law, and even issues a public apology to her after a two-hour-long, heart-to-heart conversation with Mahendra Singh Dhoni.
- All members of India’s men’s U-19 World Cup contingent have been asked by the BCCI to spend two weeks in the ‘Getting Over Australia’ section of the National Chokers’ Academy (NCA) in Bengaluru, where they will receive special advice from Rohit Sharma and Sourav Ganguly.