With the celebration of romantic capitalism in full flow, the International Association of Voluntary Singles (IAVS) has set out five key criteria for identifying true love — knowing your partner’s face before filters, knowing your partner’s bank balance after EMIs, knowing your partner’s hit list of colleagues, knowing the food items that makes your partner burp endlessly, and knowing the times of the day when your partner is most likely to seenzone you.
Meanwhile, ahead of Valentine’s Day, heads of state across the world prepare for a special encounter with what their hearts desire most. Whereas Joe Biden has set aside a full four hours for speech therapy, Vladimir Putin cannot wait to have dinner with the world’s largest mirror. Over in India, the Prime Minister is heartbroken on finding out that the PMO took his instruction of “an exclusive chat with my Italian best friend” to set up a meeting with Sonia Gandhi.
Elsewhere, the Government of West Bengal will be launching a special helpline for those splurging on gifts for goddess Saraswati this February 14.
Wondering what else happened as you figured out which of your friends’ dates you should third wheel on? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
February 5
The BJP leadership has told L.K. Advani that the Prime Minister is willing to collect the Bharat Ratna on Advani’s behalf if Advani is deemed “too weak” to receive it himself TT archives
- L.K. Advani will be conferred the Bharat Ratna (the second highest civilian honour in India after a private invitation to Antilia) for rehabilitating the careers of two superhumans (one from Ayodhya and one from Vadnagar) who define modern India.
- The Uttarakhand government tables its Uniform Civil Code bill, whose provision regarding registration of live-in relationships leads hundreds of couples across the state to realise that they have been in situationships all along.
February 6
“I’m not the only one relying on cancer for publicity. Just look at King Charles,” alleges Poonam Pandey TT archives
- Poonam Pandey is diagnosed with depression after finding out that none of her celebrity friends had opted to come for her funeral ceremony.
- In his latest round of media interactions, Prashant Kishor, the 108th incarnation of Chanakya, reveals that he never intends to run for Prime Minister, since “I’m too fond of giving honest interviews”.
February 7
“Pensions will only be paid to those who have fulfilled their duties to capitalism,” opines Rishi Sunak TT archives
- Inspired by his hustle sessions with his father-in-law, Rishi Sunak declares that nobody in the UK will be eligible for pensions unless they can show evidence of having worked for at least 70 hours per week for 70 years.
- E. Jean Carroll, an American journalist and author, decides to use her $83.3 million award from winning a defamation lawsuit against Donald Trump to run for President of the US.
February 8
“Sweden won’t find a way to be in NATO as long as I don’t find a way to be on my sofa,” screams Viktor Orban TT archives
- Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban refuses to ratify Sweden’s membership of NATO after failing to put together an IKEA sofa set for more than a month.
- Nawaz Sharif is voted in by the Pakistani army as the next Prime Minister of Pakistan until he can find a satisfactory mansion in the UK.
February 9
Critics lambast Kriti Sanon’s latest film for ignoring natural intelligence in favour of artificial intelligence TT archives
- With the release of Teri Baaton Mein Aisa Uljha Jiya (another Bollywood flick where the title takes up more space than the story), Kriti Sanon expresses a sense of relief: “I’m glad that I can’t be criticised for my robotic acting in this film.”
- The Japanese government is set to receive a fresh arsenal of state-of-the-art missiles from the Pentagon in exchange for ensuring that Taylor Swift finishes her concert in Tokyo and is able to make it to the Super Bowl (in Las Vegas) on time.