Nitish Kumar, who knows his oaths better than his ministers these days, has justified his decision to return to the NDA by claiming that “only losers believe in loyalty”. Kumar has also accused the INDIA alliance of not making him the face of the Opposition block due to his side profile on Instagram. With Kumar gone, INDIA has made a desperate plea to Prashant Kishor, another Bihari famous for changing colours faster than a Rubik’s Cube. Kishor, for his part, has said that he will only work with INDIA provided at least one of their present leaders can prove to have an IQ above 80.
Meanwhile, officials from Enforcing Dictatorship (ED) quiz chief ministers of every single state not governed by the BJP on why lands stolen from their rightful owners have not yet been handed over to the Adani group. While some CMs go ‘missing’ in search of a spine, others try to strike deals by promising to build a dedicated team for trolling Rahul Gandhi. One particular CM insists that she will not budge in giving land to the group unless they buy all her paintings.
Elsewhere, the Prime Minister advises parents to be lenient towards their children ahead of exam season, since educational qualifications and degrees can always be imagined.
Wondering what else happened as you had PTSD from cheating in moral science exams? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
January 29
“I’m grateful for my time as Sita, for it taught me how to master the art of playing second fiddle to men,” shares Smriti Irani TT archives
- Both TV depictions of Ramayan (1987 and 2001), which now comprise compulsory viewing under Fundamental Duties in the Constitution, will be returning to primetime television soon. Smriti Irani, who played the role of Sita in the 2001 version, will speak at the end of each episode to shed light on how “Indian culture” is all about women helping men to identify and apply their main character energy.
- The Indian Cricket Council (ICC) prohibits English batters from playing more than one sweep shot (including reverse sweeps and switch hits) per over during the ongoing India-England Test series on account of “Bazball’s systemic and strategic discrimination against other cricketing strokes”.
January 30
Kim Jong Un orders the execution of three staff members after realising that they were making him listen to messages recorded by AI versions of Joe Biden and Xi Jinping TT archives
- Kim Jong Un, who is losing brain cells faster than calories these days, contemplates attacking South Korea after neither Joe Biden nor Xi Jinping bothers to check up on him for more than a month.
- With American cable news anchors starting to call out Israeli atrocities in Gaza, the US instructs Israel to be more covert in its operations in line with the international law on ethnic cleansing.
January 31
Ranbir Kapoor makes the Filmfare organisers redo Alia Bhatt’s winning segment because she had put on too much lipstick the first time around TT archives
- The latest Bollywood awards jamboree, co-sponsored by Nepotism Inc., sees Alia Bhatt and Ranbir Kapoor bag the best actress and the best actor gongs, respectively, for pretending to have a peaceful married life.
- Climate activists (the only people allowed to enter The Louvre in Paris for free on all days) turn into art connoisseurs by claiming that the smile of the Mona Lisa seems to widen for a few seconds every time pumpkin soup is smashed on her face.
February 1
“No jokes on god or Salman Khan,” was what Munawar Faruqui was told to abide by during his time at ‘Bigg Boss’ TT archives
- Following his victory in the most democratic contest in India, also known as Bigg Boss, Munawar Faruqui announces his return to stand-up comedy: “I have got enough material from the Bigg Boss house to not have to crack a single political joke for the rest of my life.”
- Nirmala Sitharaman presents the Union Budget by opening a briefcase made from cow dung to reveal nothing but a giant image of the Prime Minister.
February 2
“My father-in-law told me that skipping meals is good, as it opens up more time for work,” reveals Rishi Sunak TT archives
- Rishi Sunak, the UK’s prime jester, declares that he fasts for 36 hours between every Sunday and Tuesday to “boost productivity and efficiency” in an attempt to impress his prospective bosses at Silicon Valley.
- Elon Musk receives the shock of his life on realising that he has actually bought Twitter (now X) once the Neuralink chip, implanted in his brain since the start of 2022, is removed.