Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred
Joe Biden, still young and powerful enough to nod along, has allowed Ukraine the use of long-range missiles (into Russia) that should briefly lower the blood pressure of Volodymyr Zelensky. Biden, who has assured Zelensky that “[Vladimir] Putin will never take Jerusalem as long as I’m POTUS”, is believed to have told his aides that he will consider his presidency a failure if “Zelensky is killed in Taiwan”.
Meanwhile, Lula da Silva, the President of Brazil, has a warning for anyone caring to listen: “Humanity must choose which Amazon to save.” Speaking at the freshest G20 (where the ‘G’ stands for ‘gallivanting’) summit in Rio de Janeiro, Lula makes it clear that the only right-winger he respects today is Raphinha. None of the press corps reporting for Instagram stories notices any oddities as seven different diplomats deliver the exact same speech at G20 as they had done at Cop(out)29 last week.
Elsewhere, the five (known) children of Donald Trump have formed an Instant Resolution Committee (IRS) that will hold in-depth discussions with their father’s elite squad of lawyers to negotiate a peace plan for Gaza before Trump impregnates anyone else.
Wondering what else happened as you predicted that the Israel-Palestine conflict will be resolved before you pay your friends on Splitwise? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
November 18
“All major bureaucratic recruitments in the US will henceforth be done through public interviews on X,” declares Elon Musk Getty Images
- Elon Musk, the newly appointed “first bro” of the US, has identified three criteria for the Department of Government Eccentricity (DOGE) on the basis of which bureaucrats working less than 20 hours a day can hope to keep their jobs. They are — having three or more kids, owning a Tesla and having a podcast on X.
- Donald Trump reaches out to India’s prime entrepreneur following accusations against the latter of bribery and security fraud by the US Department of Justice, by posting on Truth Social: “Gawtum Adni is a true businessman, which is why they’re coming after him. Once my regime takes over, men like him will have the freedom they want to cut the deals they need.”
November 19
“I don’t have a plan apart from getting punched in the face,” says Mike Tyson Getty Images
- Mike Tyson, the self-proclaimed “saddest man on the planet”, has issued an open challenge to “anyone who is man enough to face me in the ring and keep me out of prison”. Failing the emergence of appropriate human rivals with appropriate pronouns, Tyson is open to fighting animals.
- As Gukesh Dommaraju prepares to become the youngest chess world champion in history, the Ministry of Youth Affairs and Sports has sent Gukesh’s team a list of 149 temples the 18-year-old needs to visit to guarantee victory.
November 20
Multiple reports indicate that smoking in Delhi has no meaningful impact on one’s lungs anymore TT archives
- Overworked middle-aged corporate managers across the US and Europe, tired of circling back, travel in hordes to Delhi to shorten their life span in what is being dubbed as “slow death tourism”.
- Forty-five pro-democracy activists in Hong Kong have been sentenced to a lifetime of solitary confinement after a “patriotism test” finds that none of their hearts started racing on being shown dashing images of Xi Jinping.
November 21
“I think meals with Roger will be a breeze, since we both know how well we can serve,” gushes Rafael Nadal Getty Images
- Following his retirement, Rafael Nadal will be moving in with Roger Federer (they have bought two villas in Paris and London) with their wives expected to take temporary charge of their respective business empires.
- Cristiano Ronaldo, the world’s most relentless YouTuber, announces a one-hour podcast with “my biggest-ever guest”, revealed to be an AI hologram of Ronaldo himself. The first part of the conversation (the only one available till now) has no words, as the two Ronaldos sit for 10 minutes in silent admiration of each other.
November 22
Aishwarya Rai Bachchan holds her silence regarding rumours that she has forbidden Abhishek Bachchan from carrying a lunchbox Getty Images
- Ahead of the release of Abhishek Bachchan’s latest film, Aishwarya Rai Bachchan sets off an internet storm by posting a series of cryptic photos with the caption: “I don’t want to talk.”
- With The Sabarmati Report, co-produced by Ekta Kapoor and Shobha Kapoor, offending most liberal film reviewers, the Central Board of Film Conspiracies (CBFC) has greenlit eight ‘horrex’ thrillers financed by the daughter-mother duo.