Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred
To elect Donald Trump once may be regarded as a misfortune, to elect him twice seems like masochism. For his part, Trump has proved that no amount of self-destructive actions can derail a demagogue in the world’s oldest democracy, which is intent on looking its age. As his first major policy moves, Trump has promised to “consult my incredibly smart team of podcaster bros for solutions to Gaza and Ukraine” alongside delegating Elon Musk the power to “fire nasty bureaucrats on sight”.
Meanwhile, the Democrats have learnt five key lessons in the wake of their biggest shock since realising that Joe Biden had turned 81 — memes matter more than manifestos, immigrants hate other immigrants, one billionaire is better at spreading propaganda than the New York Times, word salads only work in universities, and Vladimir Putin is a more useful friend than Beyonce or Lady Gaga.
Elsewhere, Kamala Harris announces her retirement from active politics to join Hillary Clinton as a full-time motivational speaker.
Wondering what else happened as you looked up seven different AI LLMs to understand how the US Electoral College works? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
November 4
“My auction strategy, if I’m asked, would be to spend all our money on the first lot of players,” says Rohit Sharma Getty Images
- The BCCI has confirmed that Virat Kohli, Shubman Gill, Jasprit Bumrah and Ravindra Jadeja will miss India’s first Test against Australia, since they will be required by their respective IPL franchises for strategic inputs during the upcoming auction in Riyadh. Rohit Sharma, who has been enquiring about private hospitals with excellent maternity care facilities in Saudi Arabia, is yet to be contacted by the Mumbai Indians (MI) regarding the auction.
- Formula 1 races will no longer have a virtual safety car during dangerous racing conditions after Netflix advises the FIA against it, citing “the possibility of fewer heartstopping moments for Drive to Survive”.
November 5
The Thailand government has urged Indian men to not travel with family so that they can do more to boost the local economy TT archives
- Thousands of Indian middle-class men above 35 self-diagnose joint pain in their bodies, resolving to find appropriate masseurs in Bangkok following Thailand’s extension of visa-free travel for Indians.
- In the aftermath of the viral videos of devotees in Vrindavan drinking AC water as charan amrit, sales of ACs across India quadruple, with north Indian states leading the way.
November 6
“The colour of your skin is irrelevant for Tories as long as you believe in 19th century ideas of the free market,” feels Kemi Badenoch Getty Images
- Kemi Badenoch emerges as the leader of the Conservatives in the UK after successfully convincing her party members that she is a stark contrast to Prime Minister Keir Starmer on every conceivable metric, barring policy.
- Spain, notwithstanding its worst floods this century, sees a surge in Indian tourists, who booked their tickets as soon as flight fares for Barcelona and Valencia became half of those for Venice.
November 7
Jordan Peterson cries during his conversation with Richard Dawkins, having admitted to cheating on his wife with “Jungian archetypes” Wikimedia Commons
- In a riveting interview with Richard Dawkins, Jordan Peterson comes out as the world’s first ‘symbosexual’. With characteristic bloviation, Peterson defines his orientation as “a deep and desperate desire to attach oneself to symbols whose meaning is retrospectively attributed through a stimulated imagination, resulting in the erection of a bastion against the emptiness of life”.
- Open AI releases ChatGPT Search, which “seeks to overhaul Google Search in six months’ time by relieving users from the demands of critical thinking”.
November 8
“My apologies to Dua Lipa and her PR team,” jokes Deepika Padukone TT archives
- Deepika Padukone has defended naming her and Ranveer Singh’s daughter as Dua, combating fierce criticism online, by saying that the choice was made by a team of 147 digital marketers who selected ‘Dua’ based on its long-term brand-building potential.
- Olivia Rodrigo reveals that her next album is going to be “my darkest, most depressing yet”. As preparation, the 21-year-old has decided to “make as many trips as possible to Old Trafford to watch Manchester United in action”.