Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred
As the rest of the world meditates on what his plans for the US might look like, Donald Trump has spent every waking hour since his election triumph concentrating on how to improve his handicap before he officially retakes the Oval Office. Trump, who feels that a televised golfing contest between Vladimir Putin and Volodymyr Zelensky is the swiftest way to end the Russia-Ukraine war, has already resolved to setting up three layers of checks for White House chefs to ensure that all of them know how to nail a cheeseburger.
Meanwhile, the Equal Opportunities Symbolists (EOS) in the US has written a 148-page letter to Joe Biden, urging him to step down with immediate effect, so that “Kamala Harris may have a couple of months as the country’s first female president to establish the power of precedent”. Biden, for his part, seems to have forgotten agreeing to quit campaigning for a second term, and has vowed to friends and family to redeem “my legacy and the country in 2028”.
Elsewhere, the United Nations Climate Confusion Conference (Cop-out 29) is underway in earnest in Baku, where delegates from across the world hope to reach a consensus on the most sustainable menu for the summit’s gala dinner.
Wondering what else happened as you took pride in your reduced carbon emissions on account of being jobless? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
November 11
“I think we grossly overestimated the intelligence of the average American voter,” feels Michelle Obama about the US election results Getty Images
- Michelle Obama announces her new book, Unbecoming, which will document (in agonising detail) the fortnight leading up to the US election results and its immediate aftermath. In a press conference regarding the book, Obama says that “the silver lining from November 5 is that Americans have now been sufficiently persuaded that the ‘Deep State’ cannot rig elections for the Democrats”.
- Germany will have fresh elections next year after its present coalition government withdraws support from Chancellor Olaf Scholz’s party on the grounds that Scholz insists on calling a new economic recovery plan as “The Final Solution”.
November 12
Paul Mescal’s preparation for ‘Gladiator II’ involved doing intimate workshops with a rhinoceros for over three months TT archives
- Gladiator II, the latest manifestation of a Ridley Scott wet dream, receives widespread critical acclaim for depicting Paul Mescal as a tender, compassionate lover in a heart-wrenching situationship with a rhinoceros.
- On his 50th birthday, Leonardo DiCaprio declares that he and his office are open to receiving applications for romantic internships from models as old as 30.
November 13
A survey by The Crimes of India finds that over 60 per cent of middle-class Indians know more about the state of Minnesota than Manipur TT archives
- In light of a fresh wave of violence in Manipur, the Ministry of Indoctrination and Brainwashing (I&B) has forbidden reporters from travelling to the state until the situation is safe and stable enough to commission a photoshoot.
- With Vistara closing its operations, Indian fliers are once again faced with the dilemma of weighing up the importance of leg space versus avoiding food poisoning in mid-air. What will be missed most about the airline, though, would be its unmatched take-off and landing playlist.
November 14
“My trip to India will be pivotal in maintaining my lead over Cristiano Ronaldo as the greatest YouTuber of all time,” claims Mr Beast Getty Images
- On his first trip to Mumbai, Mr Beast hands out Rs 100 notes to countless inhabitants of Dharavi in exchange for “hitting the bell icon”.
- With the wedding season acquiring momentum in India, 16 different couples across Delhi, Mumbai, Kolkata and Bengaluru are locked in a legal stalemate over who is entitled to copyright the wedding promotional hashtag that says “#Married4theGram”.
November 15
“Nobody is better placed than me at advising Indian batters in Australia, because I know exactly what not to do in these conditions,” explains Gautam Gambhir TT archives
- The BCCI has confirmed that the forthcoming Test series between Australia and India will no longer be called the Border-Gavaskar Trophy (BGT), since Sunil Gavaskar “has undermined national interest with his sustained criticism of select Indian champions across media platforms”. To make matters easier for sponsors and broadcasters, Gautam Gambhir has suggested his name as a replacement, as it would preserve the acronym of the series for marketing purposes.
- Pep Guardiola, who is reading four different books on Hegel to help motivate his struggling squad at Manchester City, says he is “deeply jealous” of new Manchester United manager Ruben Amorim. Asked by the press on what exactly makes Guardiola envious of Amorim, the former replies: “His collection of sweaters and hoodies.”