Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred
Benjamin Netanyahu has received a divorce notice from his wife, Sara Netanyahu, days after the International Court of Casuistry’s (ICC) arrest warrant against the Israeli leader meant that his family’s plans of a world tour went up in smoke. Over in Gaza, a ceasefire seems imminent, with Netanyahu likely to accept the US’s War Criminal Rehabilitation Plan for himself, modelled on the late Henry Kissinger.
Meanwhile, high-level, confidential talks between the US and Indian governments do not harbour good news for India’s national business group. Indian arguments about “bribes being more economically effective than fines” have not convinced their American counterparts, though a trump card still rests with India — threatening to cut off the annual export of Indian coders and cashiers to the US in case India’s national tycoon is not allowed to expand his business in America.
Elsewhere, middle-class Indians in a situationship with their ceiling fans breathe a sigh of relief as a viral article from The Crimes of India shows no causal relationship between bathing and matches on dating/matrimony apps.
Wondering what else happened as you freaked out at the prospect of this winter being more toxic than your ex? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
November 25
“Turning illegal money into legal money is harder than turning midfielders into defenders,” admits Pep Guardiola Getty Images
- Pep Guardiola, who has checked into rehab to improve his swearing, opens up on his recent struggles as Manchester City’s savant: “I’ve been too occupied with the formations of our financials… which transactions to place where… where to hide our weakest links… numbers are so much harder to arrange than players.”
- According to a path-breaking deal signed at Cop(out) 29, the world’s developed countries (the UK is contesting its inclusion) will cumulatively spend close to $1 trillion over the next decade to “organise 150 climate conferences every year (with all-vegan menus) to investigate, argue and assess how the developing countries can be assisted in their disproportionate burden of combating climate change”.
November 26
“The key to Putin’s success is that his ministers are more loyal to him than his dogs,” explains Angela Merkel Getty Images
- In her memoir, How to Friendzone Dictators, former German Chancellor Angela Merkel finally clears the air around meeting Vladimir Putin and his labrador in 2007: “I had no reason to be scared of the dog; she was much better behaved than her master.”
- Shortly after revealing that his tariff policies against countries will depend on the length of messages sent by their heads of state (on his election victory), Donald Trump assures American markets: “I have negotiated three marriages with three beautiful women who didn’t want to be with me. Trust me, I know what I’m doing.”
November 27
Drivers of yellow taxis feel that many passengers prefer them because they do not talk to their lovers while driving to their destination TT archives
- More than 4,500 yellow taxis will remain operative in Kolkata after they considered a proposal for their gradual phase-out for five seconds, bargained for another 10 seconds, and refused.
- Academics across India rediscover their voice on finding out that the new One Nation One Subjugation (ONOS) scheme only offers access to Hindi journals published out of Nagpur.
November 28
“My next big ambition is to start an Indian Politicians League, where billionaires can openly bid for the politicians they want to represent them in Parliament,” declares Lalit Modi Getty Images
- Lalit Modi, the man who has generated more jobs for Indians than his namesake, is back in the spotlight with his longest-ever interview, where he claims that “I’m incorruptible because my ancestors accumulated all the black money I could ever need”.
- Following strong criticism of their performance in the IPL auction, the Royal Challengers Bengaluru (RCB) redeem themselves by thinking long-term — an investment of Rs 10 crore on six separate ‘youngsters’, based on the ultrasound reports of their mothers.
November 29
Payal Kapadia dismisses rumours of being approached to make an award-winning documentary for “those people” in exchange for hassle-free travel for the next year TT archives
- Payal Kapadia’s hopes of promoting her film, All We Imagine As Light, hit a stumbling block after the Ministry of Settling Scores belatedly realises that she is the same person who directed a documentary in 2021 that was critical of the government.
- An in-depth report by Faye D’Souza’s Instagram interns finds that close to 70 per cent of Bollywood celebrities did not cast their vote in the Maharashtra elections on being informed of the absence of paparazzi outside their respective polling stations.