Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred.
With the serotonin levels of Syrians returning to normal, many in Damascus are able to relate with their Bangladeshi counterparts. With a successful rebellion bringing only hashtags and uncertainty, they realise that the real winner is the dictator who escapes with their body and wealth intact. As for Bashar al-Assad, Moscow’s permanent guest, his biggest headache right now is deciding which flavour of vodka is best attuned to his family’s palates.
Meanwhile, Joe Biden, in a last-ditch attempt to “protect my legacy”, is issuing Presidential pardons like Christmas cards. The most recent wave of pardons are pre-emptive in a bid to protect apparently innocent individuals from prosecution by Donald Trump, including all of Trump’s ex-caddies as well as the former White House chef who could not make the perfect cheese burger.
Elsewhere, Taylor Swift, the world’s most modest billionaire, announces that she is “only third” on her own list of favourite Spotify artists for 2024, behind Arijit Singh and Pritam.
Wondering what else happened as you were too embarrassed to share your Spotify Wrapped on social media? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
December 9
More than 45 Kolkata families cancel their family therapy sessions for the next month after attending Bryan Adams’s concert in Aquatica
- Bryan Adams, the only Canadian most Kolkatans have ever heard of, heals hundreds of families in the city by allowing them to display their emotions in front of each other for the first time.
- Nature, a British journal that has survived 152 cancellation attempts on X, ranks Kolkata as India’s top destination for scientific thinking, since “nobody thinks more urgently about science than unemployed scientists”.
December 10
“I’m trying to be what France really needs today — a courageous king,” says Emmanuel Macron Getty Images
- Commenting on the full-blown political crisis enveloping France right now, President Emmanuel Macron makes a bold claim: “The French government has lost faith in our people. Our electorate no longer represents the values of our politicians. We need to think long and hard about how we can cultivate better citizens who respect the French ideal of decadent despotism.”
- Japan introduces a four-day work week for all influencers in order to “preserve the collective sanity of our society”.
December 11
“Will Willow be able to do my job someday? It depends on how agile its ethical coding is,” explains Sundar Pichai Getty Images
- Willow, a new quantum chip unveiled by Google, stuns Sundar Pichai by guessing all of his passwords in 0.0000035 seconds.
- The Reluctant Bank of India (RBI), designed to be a reserve of excuses, appoints its new head following a 20-hour interview of six compromised men by the team of India’s national industrialist.
December 12
“Dommaraju Gukesh is amazing, but he needs to work on his game to make it suitable for YouTube,” comments Magnus Carlsen TT archives
- Dommaraju Gukesh becomes the youngest-ever world chess champion after the title holder Ding Liren falls asleep on the chessboard during the decisive 14th game.
- With the intention of making India’s Test matches last five days, the BCCI is working on a proposal to make “cultural performances by Indian superstars” a compulsory feature of every post-lunch session.
December 13
“Stree is so much cooler than Black Widow!” jokes Shraddha Kapoor on being asked what Andrew Garfield told her Getty Images
- Much to the disappointment of online shipping accounts, Shraddha Kapoor reveals that her meeting with Andrew Garfield at the Red Sea Film Festival was entirely accidental, a result of “me trying to not come out in front of the press at the same time as Ranbir [Kapoor]”.
- The rave reviews of Jigra on Netflix reveal that a large chunk of Indian movie watchers are too intelligent to spend a week’s worth of wages on popcorn and Pepsi.