Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred.
South Korea announces martial law in an inadvertent attempt to inspire cross-border solidarity, which lasts half the length of a sappy K-drama episode. Thousands of South Korean women who have been at the vanguard of the 4B movement belatedly realise that they should have added a fifth ‘B’ — no votes for men. Influencers with a detailed itinerary to profile the most Instagrammable bibimbap hotspots in Seoul are left in disarray, with a select few scrambling their way to vlogging about ultra-smart toilets in Tokyo.
Meanwhile, as the war in Syria switches from hot to cold faster than your shower, the New York Times has called for a meeting of The Timekeepers (the anonymous funders of the paper) to take stock of whose interests align with whose in Damascus, where loyalty is cheaper than in an Abbas-Mustan film. As the rebels-turned-terrorists-turned-liberators-turned-American-agents unleash violence, Bashar al-Assad, the Syrian dictator beholden to Russia, has already started scouting for islands in the Caribbean.
Elsewhere, in his first dialogue about Ukraine since becoming President-elect, Donald Trump tells Volodymyr Zelensky that “I will cut you and your country a very good deal provided you prove your worth and make me laugh”.
Wondering what else happened as you came to terms with receiving less attention at weddings than the vegetarian biryani counter? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
December 2
“I owed this to Hunter for all the times I didn’t buy him a gun as a Christmas present,” shares Joe Biden Getty Images
- Joe Biden, who granted his eldest son, Hunter Biden, the Presidential pardon on receiving his Thanksgiving card, receives a call from Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs addressing the US President as “daddy”.
- A Delaware judge has ruled that Elon Musk is not entitled to a $101 billion pay package as CEO of Tesla, since “it is not healthy for the economy for one single individual to possess such an obscene amount of white money”.
December 3
Ursula von der Leyen stays silent on rumours about the European Commission wanting to expand the definition of Europe to include countries like Saudi Arabia and the UAE Getty Images
- Ursula von der Leyen, who has won a second term as President of the European Commission (largely for being the only European whom Vladimir Putin, or his translators, do not interrupt), has clarified that “Europe must begin pivoting to the Gulf, where countries are getting better than the US at balancing capitalism with human rights”.
- Australia imposes a social media ban for anyone under the age of 16, arguing that “when it comes to bullying, stalking, and racism towards cultural minorities, adolescents must first acquire real-life experience”.
December 4
“Does Jeremy Corbyn qualify?” asks Keir Starmer on hearing the details of the assisted dying bill Getty Images
- A bill legalising assisted dying (for terminally ill patients) in the UK has received vociferous opposition from two sections of British society. The first are nurses, who feel this “threatens more jobs than Artificial Intelligence (AI)”, and the second are “historians of the Crown”, who feel that this would “hasten imperial amnesia by wiping out large chunks of the last generation that lived through the days of peak Britain”.
- Oxford Dictionary has revealed its word of the year to be ‘slicing’ — the dating phenomenon where one extraordinarily ordinary individual adopts a unique texting personality for each of their romantic interests.
December 5
“I love performing in India even though I’m called Duolingo by every third person!” jokes Dua Lipa Getty Images
- Following the internet’s meltdown over her Woh Ladki Jo performance, Dua Lipa’s team is planning to organise her next Mumbai concert on the balcony of Mannat, with a special guest appearance by Abhijeet Bhattacharya.
- Jaguar’s electric car is slammed by the wokerati for being “too pretty to be a truly inclusive vehicle in a world of large, visually anti-stimulating cars”.
December 6
Vikrant Massey declares that his biggest ambition after quitting acting is to “win the Celebrity Cricket League” TT archives
- Overwhelmed with expectations from a rapt audience at Parliament House, Vikrant Massey turns down the lead roles for The Demonetisation Report and The Pulwama Report, before announcing his retirement from acting.
- The International Cricket Chumocracy (ICC) has a new chairperson and some new policies. Pivotal among them are the installation of fresh, world-class teleprompters, the introduction of Gujarati as the official language of ICC meetings, ensuring all stadium seats are painted orange during World Cups, and the removal of Pakistan’s status as a full member the next time they win an ICC trophy.