Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred
As India gears up to celebrate one-day vacations throughout the country over the next eight weeks, it is time to listen to Shah Rukh Khan, set aside your impromptu travel plans and raise your finger (no, not the one you wish to raise in front of your boss). Raise your finger to decide if you want to inflate the inevitable or be an anti-national who feels that elections are not the only guarantee a democracy requires. But, more importantly, raise your finger because you cannot raise your voice.
Meanwhile, an exhaustive survey of the political ideologies of Indians performed by Lotus Bloomers’ Initiatives reveals that Indians move away from the political centre the farther they move away from India. Other key insights show that Indians in India become more culturally right-wing as the day progresses while becoming more economically right-wing as the week progresses, culminating into the kind of Indian uncle who believes that markets should have more freedom than women on Saturday nights.
Elsewhere, a special team of Stale Bank of India (SBI) officials have been put in charge of counting the votes for the Lok Sabha elections so that the suspense of the results can be dragged on for as long as possible.
Wondering what else happened as you struggled to find the latest manifesto released by NOTA? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
April 15
Israel and Iran go in for direct attacks after getting tired of tracking each other’s proxy forces TT archives
- Iran and Israel, both contenders for top spot in the Global Extremism League (GEL), have agreed to pause mutual hostilities until US President Joe Biden figures out which countries starting with ‘I’ stand where on the US’s “Allies and Adversaries” spectrum. This happened after reports leaked from the White House stating that Biden wanted to sign a fresh nuclear deal with Indonesia and reach out to lobbies of moderate Jews in India.
- Some of the smartest minds in the world (as certified by the Financial Times) gather at the spring meeting of the International Manipulators’ Fund (IMF) to make the shocking admission that none of them understands inflation anymore.
April 16
Liz Truss complains in her book that Boris Johnson felt that she did not have enough punchlines memorised to be an effective PM TT archives
- In her new book, Ten Years to Save The West (published by Biteback), Liz Truss recounts how “I wasn’t allowed to be PM for long because I didn’t know which people to invite for weekend parties at Downing Street”.
- A startling study conducted by Wokeness Watch finds that over 65 per cent of teenagers in the US and the UK are more confident about their political identity than their gender identity.
April 17
“Rushdie has blindsided his attacker by publishing ‘Knife’ without the latter’s consent,” writes The Cancel Chronicle TT archives
- Salman Rushdie’s Knife, which reflects on him getting stabbed on stage in New York in 2022, is lambasted as “short-sighted and guilty of one-sided storytelling” for not having interviewed the 24-year-old man who made the book possible in the first place.
- Pune rolls out a law declaring that transgender persons looking to solicit money at traffic signals must register on an app (Red Light Ventures) and select a slot (involving both location and time) two days in advance to prevent congestion at “certain begging hotspots”.
April 18
Glenn Maxwell opts for a break after BCCI rejects RCB’s request to let him play IPL games in his Australian jersey TT archives
- Glenn Maxwell takes an indefinite break from the IPL to “map my mind”, proceeding to attend workshops by startup founders in Bengaluru on how to “project confidence when everything is falling apart”.
- Following the declaration of the Unlimited Punishment for Stable Career (UPSC) exam results, applications for PhD and on Shaadi.com record their highest numbers for 2024.
April 19
Ranbir Kapoor’s return gift to Alia Bhatt on their anniversary is to listen to her speak for a whole day without interrupting TT archives
- To mark her second wedding anniversary with Ranbir Kapoor, Alia Bhatt donates her entire lipstick collection (comprising 118 different shades of empowerment) to charity.
- After an instance of firing at Salman Khan’s Mumbai home, those in charge of managing the actor’s security and testosterone have taken away his driving licence for six months.