Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred
Following extensive research undertaken over three-and-a-half days by History Minus Historians, comprising every Indian history writer without a history degree, it can be confirmed that Winston Churchill was the first-ever Prime Minister of dependent India. This has been concluded from the incontrovertible evidence that Churchill inaugurated the prime ministerial tradition of delivering unforgettable speeches while simultaneously letting millions of Indians die out of hunger. The same group of illustrious researchers has also claimed that Subhas Chandra Bose had acute aerophobia.
Meanwhile, the most trending court in the land has ruled that popular YouTubers cannot be put behind bars with equal alacrity as politicians and activists, as in an ecosystem of disinformation and misinformation, the former remain the best hope for corporate product placements.
Elsewhere, ahead of Poila Baisakh (the non-alcoholic version of New Year), a door-to-door study by Bengal for Bengalis and Biryani (BBB) finds that no Kolkatan south of Chandni Chowk can name all the months of the Bengali calendar.
Wondering what else happened as you rewrote your resolutions from January in a brand new khata? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
April 8
When he eventually joins politics, Dwayne Johnson would like to have WWE’s creative writers as his campaign managers TT archives
- Having promised to deliver a Rock Bottom (the name of his wrestling finisher as well as his favourite cocktail) each to Joe Biden and Donald Trump, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson admits that he has no plans to run for Final Boss (also know as President) of the US, since “my workout routine won’t be able to accommodate the demands of the White House”.
- Unemployed Americans find out that staring at the sun (without glasses) for five minutes during a solar eclipse does less damage to the eyes than staring at job application emails (with glasses) for longer than 30 seconds.
April 9
“I’m going to scowl more than I smile,” declares Olaf Scholz about his TikTok plans TT archives
- German Chancellor Olaf Scholz joins TikTok in order to get real-time feedback on his impressions of Angela Merkel.
- The International Court of Jargon (ICJ) finds Germany guilty of aiding and abetting a genocide in Gaza, with the judgement arguing how “Germany believes that a genocide can only be perpetrated against Jews”.
April 10
Aman Gupta was incensed when the hackers initially demanded free JBL speakers instead of boAt ones as ransom TT archives
- Aman Gupta’s boAt (famous for its headphones and earphones that make public transport bearable) is able to recover leaked data of millions of its users after revealing to the hackers (a group of 117 “tech bros” in Hyderabad) the real net worth of every Shark Tank India judge.
- A global survey by Caffeine Without Borders (CWB) identifies the top five situations (in no particular order) in which white-collar workers crave coffee — right after the first client call of the day, right before they have to explain their upcoming leave to HR, whenever their office crush approaches the coffee station, two minutes after realising they are on a smoking break, and whenever their boss’s shadow falls on their desk.
April 11
‘Heeramandi’ would fail a “Bechdel test for men”, feels Kangana Ranaut TT archives
- Deriding Sanjay Leela Bhansali as a “red-light filmmaker”, Kangana Ranaut calls the trailer of Heeramandi a “glorified Tanishq advertisement”. The internet responds by digging up proof that Ranaut had unsuccessfully auditioned for the roles of each of the show’s six female leads.
- A day after the fees of the cast members of Nitesh Tiwari’s upcoming film, Ramayana, goes viral, the trust in charge of managing the Ram Mandir in Ayodhya urges all the actors in the film to donate their earnings (from the movie) to the temple in exchange for avoiding boycott calls on social media for the next 10 years.
April 12
Virat Kohli was caught on camera calling for Ben Stokes at least 15 times during each of RCB’s first five IPL matches TT archives
- As the Relentless Chokers Bengaluru (RCB) ponder making Virat Kohli captain once more, the RCB management has reached out to JioCinema to stop its Hero Cam from focusing on Kohli for every minute of every RCB game, since “it interferes with Kohli’s natural routine of talking and gesturing on the field”.
- Anant Ambani demands that Vantara (his private zoo-cum-circus-cum-pet-house) be expanded by 10,000 acres after watching Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire for the seventh time.