Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred
As Indians gradually gear up for the biggest exercise of their agency (after Myntra carnivals), the arrival of the trend of speech fasting into the country could not be more timely. According to the global platform, Diets for Dictatorships, speech fasting involves screaming one’s political opinions in their head without voicing them aloud, so as to maintain the positive vibrations necessary for national development besides avoiding actual fasting in prison.
Meanwhile, hundreds of middle-class Southeast Asian families, in a bid to pay off their home loans faster, are encouraging their sons to ditch dreams of studying in the US or Canada in favour of fighting on the frontlines for Russia in to-be-Russia (currently known as Ukraine). The said sons, duty-bound to fulfil their parents’ ambitions, are being lured by Russian recruiters with promises of free skiing and unlimited vodka.
Elsewhere, Uber, which has been going viral for producing ludicrous bills across India, shows a predicted fare of $6 trillion (mathematically impossible to convert into rupees) when a user in Delhi accidentally sets the destination as “Achhe Din”.
Wondering what else happened as your rejections on Uber equaled those on Bumble? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
April 1
Should INDIA win India, Dhruv Rathee can finally stop renting Airbnb properties abroad Facebook/Dhruv Rathee
- In a shocking but not entirely surprising move, the Opposition names Dhruv Rathee as the new leader of the INDIA alliance (or whatever remains of it). The decision is based on Rathee enjoying the services of a better research team as well as immunity from arrest under the “foreign resident” clause in case of a violation of rules of the Indiscriminate Tax (IT) department.
- Twenty minutes into a sudden press conference advertised to feature the country’s most prolific speaker (of monologues), assembled reporters receive a two-word press release that says: “April Fool!”
April 2
George R.R. Martin has already been roped in as visiting faculty at dozens of Chinese universities aiming to mass produce literary genius Netflix
- The Chinese government opens 116 new universities for science fiction writers after 3 Body Problem, a Netflix show based on a novel by Chinese author Liu Cixin, becomes a massive hit in the US.
- India ignores China’s renaming of 30 places in Arunachal Pradesh, since no Indian can pronounce the new names anyway.
April 3
Mayank Yadav has also been prevented from making himself captain on Dream11 TT archives
- In the spirit of ensuring that sixes and sponsor plug-ins continue unabated during the IPL, the BCCI has stipulated that Mayank Yadav be allowed to bowl only one ball per over at or above a speed of 150 kmph.
- An international survey by Faithful Atheists shows a startlingly inverse relationship between one’s belief in afterlife and the number of times they have experienced an orgasm.
April 4
Elon Musk’s first suggestion as part of the Disney board is to replace the castle in the company’s logo with Maleficent, his favourite Disney character TT archives
- Elon Musk joins the Disney board to help the company “break out of our woke bubble with innovative ideas” on the condition that he can only attend board meetings when high.
- Stocks of Truth Social, Donald Trump’s most enduring creation since his narrative of being ultra-rich, begin to plunge as users reluctantly realise that conspiracy theories still spread faster on X.
April 5
Beyonce is considering taking tips from Taylor Swift on how to wield her privilege for profit without getting cancelled TT archives
- Cowboy Carter, which could have been the name of the next US presidential candidate, but is instead the title of Beyonce’s new album, gets cancelled on Instagram for “appropriating misery through a popstar who is too rich to sing about poor people”.
- Shakira says that neither she nor her sons liked Barbie, as the film has “too much pink to be truly feminist”. She also adds that if Greta Gerwig really wanted a “cute, two-faced sidekick for ‘Kentertainment’”, she should have chosen Gerard Pique over Ryan Gosling.