A man was booked recently for trying to force his six-month pregnant wife to abort their child. He has lost his job during the lockdown and reasoned that they could not afford a baby. When the wife refused, the man and his parents tortured her.

This is just one of the many cases of domestic violence reported this lockdown season, shared Kakali Ghosh Kundu, inspector in charge (IC) at a women’s police station. She was speaking at a webinar organised by PeaceLiveLaugh, a counselling, life coaching and mental health unit with a branch in BL Block. The webinar had invited experts to share their observations.

“Previously the National Commission for Women would register 4,500 to 5,000 cases of domestic violence a month. Once the lockdown began, this figure doubled in weeks,” said Rajashree Kundalia, a high court lawyer. “Previously there was a home front and office front but now there is no outlet in office, so many are resorting to violence at home to vent their frustration.”

However, domestic violence is not restricted to the lockdown period. Or to women. Or to the lower economic class. Domestic violence is more common than you think and the best weapon against it is awareness.

Countless cases

“Home, sadly, is not a safe haven for everyone,” said youth counsellor Navmita Bhattacharjee. “Domestic violence can happen to everyone — the wife of a rickshaw-puller, a career-oriented woman, a homemaker from a wealthy family… In fact, it is the wealthy ones who are most ashamed to talk about it openly as they want to protect family reputation.”

Ghosh Kundu, IC of Baruipur women’s police station, then shared the kind of complaints they have been receiving since the lockdown. There was a lady whose five-year child was critically ill. Her father sold his land to raise funds for treatment but the lady’s husband fled with the money. Another woman was getting beaten up by her brothers when she moved back with them after her husband deserted her.

Yet another woman’s husband was long having an extra-marital affair but wasn’t being able to meet the woman due to the lockdown. One find day he went out, brought home his paramour — a college teacher at that — and asked the wife to get out.

“Many parents are trying to get their minor daughters married off. To parents who have lost their jobs, a daughter is simply another stomach to feed. Marrying them off is good riddance and if they can do it during the lockdown they don’t have to throw a feast. We are getting two to three such cases a day. Since no one verifies the credentials of the grooms, these girls may get trafficked after the lockdown,” said Ghosh Kundu, who is also in charge of the district anti-human trafficking unit.

The number of domestic violence cases they received during the lockdown was less than that of previous months but this is hardly a fact to cheer about. “Complaints are low as victims are unable to find transport to reach the thana and lodge complaints,” the officer said. “Previously neighbours who overheard a woman getting beaten up would at least go over and stop the husband. Now due to stay-home orders, even that is not happening so the battery has worsened.”

Why they don’t fight back

Bhattacharjee explained why women are reluctant to walk out of abusive relationships. “Firstly, it takes them years to realise that they are victims of domestic violence. They keep justifying the husband’s behaviour, saying he’s behaving this way because he is worried about something or that he’s a good person but cannot control his anger,” she said.

In some cases, women fight their families to marry these men and thereafter cannot come to accept that the person they fought so hard for is assaulting them. “It is difficult for a woman who loves her husband to label him a wife-beater. She’ll defend him saying he only gets violent for an hour but at other times gives her whatever she asks for; that he’s a good father to their children…. They unknowingly support the men’s behaviour.”

After years of such excuses, a fear psychosis sets in and the woman starts blaming herself. “He beat me because I reached home late,” she’ll say, absolving her husband. Living-in-fear becomes her lifestyle. She thinks this is her life and this is what she has to live with, explained Bhattacharjee.

Kundalia added stigma to the problem. “People think domestic violence is a part of society and so there is nothing to complain about. Often, the joint family system doesn’t welcome back a married woman so where does she get the courage to raise a voice against her abuser?” she said, asking people to broaden their understanding of domestic violence.

“It is not just physical abuse. It can be verbal; it can be the act of restraining someone from become self-reliant. If you cannot grow yourself educationally, financially, emotionally, you are being abused,” she said.

Kundalia cited the case of a lady, married for 25 years and with two grown children, who gets beaten every now and then. “The morning after, mind you, the husband invariably takes her shopping. What women need to understand is that compensation doesn’t right a wrong,” she emphasised.

Kakoli Das Mandal, psychotherapist and co-founder of PeaceLiveLaugh, moderated the session. She asked women to not make excuses for errant husbands. “Don’t tell yourself he is beating you as he is stressed out by the lockdown. If he’s doing it now he’ll do it forever,” she said.

What she can do

Bhattacharjee asked women to stand up for themselves. “The first time he hits you, he’s testing your reaction. If you’re passive, he’ll know he can dominate you. So if you are abused, retaliate. Don’t hit him back but be assertive and tell him to stop,” she said.

As a lawyer, Kundalia’s first advice is to ask the women not to leave home. “The marital home is legally yours,” she said. “India still has a lot of homemakers and in such cases the man is richer than the woman. She may be on the back foot but one phone call to the man from the police station will keep him in check. Complain not to name and shame him but to tell him that you won’t accept abuse,” she asserted.

Ghosh Kundu explained how women’s police stations — that specifically cater to women, children and the elderly (Salt Lake has one on the premises of the Electronics Complex police station in Sector V. Ultadanga thana too houses one) — have a high number of women police personnel. “Women feel more comfortable lodging complaints here,” she said.

In case a woman cannot afford legal proceedings, Kundalia said she can avail of lawyers free of cost using the Legal Aid service. “For this, she has to lodge an FIR with the police and they will guide her to it. In case she has no place to stay, they will put her up at a women’s shelter home, where she will be taught vocations to help her become financially independent,” explained the lawyer.

Still, she said she always suggests mediation before legal proceedings. “It saves money, time, energy, harassment and emotional drain.”

Victim-bashing

A member of the audience shared her ongoing ordeal of trying to separate from her allegedly abusive husband and win custody of their son. Let alone legal proceedings, she said she was exhausted from the way society treated her.

“Since I’m an educated woman with a career, people think I’m scheming to exploit my husband,” she said. “He’s from the defence sector and wins all the sympathy as people treat him like a war hero without realising he can be abusive too. Well-wishers have told me to play the “abala nari” (helpless woman) card to garner sympathy as public perception goes against empowered women.”

Men on receiving end

Now-a-days there are educated women who misuse their rights to get back at their husbands, cited Kundalia. “They write to their husband’s offices falsely accusing them of abuse, get their husbands arrested by lying to the police... Some marry repeatedly for alimony. There are websites now brokering second and third marriages.”

Since domestic violence against men is few and far between and since men are the traditional perpetrators, society wants to continue blaming them, she noted.

Children beaten up

A member of the audience recalled how a neighbour would watch Kaun Banega Crorepati with his son — aged between 12 and 14 — and beat the boy whenever the child failed to answer a question asked on TV. “As a child, I myself have been thrashed a couple of times by my father when he was inebriated. Do these fall under domestic violence?” he wondered.

Yes, they do. Ghosh Kundu said anyone can and must call Childline at 1098 to complain about children being abused. “If you can provide adequate information, it can even be an anonymous call,” she said. “They will intervene and save the child. There are strong laws to protect the rights of children.”

Kundalia said the starting point to teaching children their rights was to tell them not to accept any behaviour they do not like.

“As per Unicef, around 275 million children worldwide are exposed to violence at home. They face the risk of post-traumatic stress disorder as severe as in soldiers returning from war. Men who are abused as children or see their mothers being abused are more likely to hit their wives too,” said Das Mandal. “We have to break this cycle to protect the future generation and the first step is to share your problems and speak to experts who can help.”

Elderly neglected

June 15 was World Elder Abuse Awareness Day and HelpAge India, Calcutta, held a webinar on “Elders in the time of Covid-19” along with the department of women and child development and social welfare.

“While we did not get any specific calls of abuse during the lockdown, it is a fact that younger family members vented their frustration on the elderly at home,” said Anuradha Sen, a resident of CL Block and director, advocacy, HelpAge India.

The webinar mentioned subtle cases of neglect. For instance, if masks were bought and were being handed over to all at home, the elderly could have been overlooked since “they hardly go out”. “Neglect is a form of abuse too,” said Sen.

Have you heard of cases of domestic violence in your neighbourhood? Write to The Telegraph Salt Lake, 6 Prafulla Sarkar Street, Calcutta 700001 or email to saltlake@abpmail.com