Former Indian opener Robin Uthappa on Tuesday revealed his struggles with depression, aiming to destigmatize mental health conversations and encourage others to seek help.
Uthappa, 38, took to his YouTube channel to reveal his personal experiences, stating that his battle with depression was more challenging than any faced on the cricket field.
"I've faced many battles on the cricket field, but none as tough as the one I fought with depression. I'm breaking the silence around mental health because I know I'm not alone," Uthappa wrote on X while discussing the matter further in his latest YouTube video.
“You feel like you are worthless, you feel like you are a burden to the people you love. You feel hopeless and every step feels heavier and heavier and heavier… With every step you take more is being added to you,” Uthappa said.
“I went through months off not wanting to get out of bed. I remember in 2011 I went the entire year so ashamed of who I had become as a human being that I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror,” he added.
"I did avoid any opportunity or even an instance of me looking at myself anywhere. And I know how defeated I felt in those moments. I know how burdensome my existence had become. I know how far away from being purposeful in life..."
Earlier this month, former England batter Graham Thorpe took his own life after battling chronic depression, his wife Amanda said. His family confirmed that Thorpe died after being struck by a train at Esher railway station, Surrey.
“Despite having a wife and two daughters whom he loved and who loved him, he did not get better. He was so unwell in recent times and he really did believe that we would be better off without him and we are devastated that he acted on that and took his own life,” Amanda had said.
Uthappa said he knew what Thorpe had to go through. “My heart goes out to Graham Thorpe and his family. Can’t imagine what he went through to be able to do what he did. My prayers go out to his family. To David Johnson from India as well under similar circumstances,” Uthappa said.
Former India cricketer David Johnson, who played two Test matches in 1996, passed away in a tragic incident after a fall from his balcony on the fourth floor of an apartment in Bengaluru in June.
Johnson too had been battling health issues for the past year and was in and out of hospital. Uthappa also mentioned former India opener and national selector VB Chandrasekhar who committed suicide in 2019.
"We recently heard about Graham Thorpe and David Johnson from India. VB Chandrasekhar Sir who was the rock of Chennai Super Kings... I have been there as well. It's not a pretty journey. It's debilitating. You feel like you are burden to people you love. It's challenging. You feel like you are worth less," he said.
Uthappa said how he did not realise he was suffering from clinical depression initially: “I did not even realise I was even going through it. Something was innately wrong with me. My head felt so heavy, my eyes, my shoulders, my legs, my feet felt heavy. I had no explanation for it.
"But I still had to turn up and play cricket and turn up for the different commitments I had."
Despite his off-the-field struggles, Uthappa tasted success both in the IPL and on the international stage. He was part of the victorious 2014 Kolkata Knight Riders squad that lifted the IPL trophy, where Uthappa had won the Orange Cap with 660 runs. He also represented India in 46 ODIs and 13 T20Is and was part of the 2007 T20 World Cup winning squad.
