Now that we have very successfully concluded our circus on Red Road, we will hold eight Bijoya Sammilanis across the state, surely at the taxpayers’ expense, to tell people all is well, just in case they had any doubts.

Meanwhile, these irritating, thorn-in-the-flesh junior doctors keep demanding justice, as if justice was some ice candy your favourite aunt would buy you from the nearest roadside vendor. Justice, my foot. They should consider themselves fortunate that they still have their internships and are alive.

Everybody is not that lucky. The day we announced the Bijoya celebrations across the state, in Krishnanagar, a young girl was found, allegedly brutally raped, murdered and defaced, and in Purulia, a woman's body was dug up from the riverbanks.

We need a lot of celebrations to drown their screams.

And parents are so stupid these days. Even in rural corners of the state, they not only demand 'justice' (look how well we have taught them English!) but a CBI probe as well. As if CBI is any better than the rest of them in uniform! Power is power! It seeks rent, not justice.

But who is going to explain that to these silly people.

And how many times do we have to remind people of the enormous good we have done to the state?

The medical bit is well known. We have established a system to sell dead bodies nobody wants. We also sell bio-waste, which otherwise is very troublesome to dispose of. We help students pass their exams at a small fee. Think of how happy it makes their families!!

We fail all the good students. Meritocracy has failed worldwide, why should it be any different here!

And despite the spurious medicine we give our patients, a lot of them go home alive.

Equally impressive is our performance elsewhere.

We auction teaching jobs. May the best bidder win. Same with footpath space. I dare you to find us a single water body in Kolkata. We have donated them all to the real estate industry.

Could you ever imagine that anybody could give industry status to cattle smuggling? We have.

Find us another state where civic volunteers are the largest employment segment! Information technology is for southern cows.

Our share of the national GDP has been constantly falling. Per capita income is doing equally dismally. But don't you worry. If we keep lying. And lie hard enough, people will start believing us.

Meanwhile, remember life is a carnival. Keep partying. And if you ever raise any doubts, don't forget we are all dead in the long term. If you get real or unlucky, we will ensure your life tenure is short term.

Shubho Bijoya to all of us!

(Arup Ghosh is a former journalist and a communications veteran)