Many. Many of them. You should be happy. I am saying, balls to you. Rather, I am bowling balls to you. Get that? Balls!

I never had a bat.

I never had a ball.

But I bat.

And I have balls.

There. I said it.

Now come get me. Say what you will. Do what you will. I am here. No bat. No ball. But balls. No balls too, but so what? No balls are balls too if you get what I mean. But do you get what I mean? I doubt you do. Else, you would not have been where you are. Down there, looking up at me, and seeing, what else, balls.

Be not surprised that I am here. This is my arena, after all. It was somebody else’s, but of course it was, but I took it. Like I take most things I want. I make a grab and then I grab and gobble. That’s my style, log mujhe Gobblar ke naam se jaante hain. And so it was that I gobbled. This is my arena now, so take it that the show will be mine. I don’t bat and I don’t bowl, and you’d be in serious trouble if you ask if I field or carry drinks and towels and messages to the centre during break. I am the One who pronounces the messages. I am an expert at messages. I know where they are to be given and where they are not to be given. Takes talent and training, Mitron, to know where to send message and where to not send message. You got it, no? Like, you know Saalakot you send message, and BalwanValley, oh no no no no no, you don’t. You keep quiet and go under and pretend there is nobody and nothing in BalwanValley. BalwanValley? What BalwanValley? Like that, understood?

Let’s get out of there. Where were we? Oh yes, we were where I gobbled. Hold on, I know you are the bat and ball people, but balls to you, await your turn while I gobble the footage I came here to gobble. Hang in there, your turn will come, and you can bowl your balls and swing your bats and do whatever it is that you do. Abhi, this is my stage, my game, and I am going to boss it and win it. Come one, Guys! Cameras! Action! Let’s roll. Balls to you. Oh don’t you worry, I’ll somehow fit. And rest assured I’ll make it a hit. And tell me if I don’t freeze your stare. Because I go in round and come out square.

There’s that thing they say

And what’s it, something wicked

Anyhow, say what you may

Really, it’s just not cricket.