Peter Pan is smart, funny, daring and he can fly. Always and forever, for he is the boy who never grows up. There may be a considerable number of men for whom a Peter Pan-like existence — minus the flying, reluctantly — would be ideal. But Never Never Land is far away and Peter Pan is the leader of the Lost Boys. Would that be a desirable identity for today’s ‘man-child’ — the adult male who appears to be unable to take care of himself or do basic household chores, let alone look after his own children when they are infants? Probably not, because man-children are very much present, not lost, in every society today, giving poor mothers a bad name by also being called ‘mama’s boys’. Cultures differ, yet heteronormative gendered expectations remain curiously similar, perceiving maleness in a kind of charming incompetence around the house and ascribing domestic labour, care-giving, physical and emotional support and an ever-smiling face to the female. If men are encouraged to remain little boys in the home, their partners are forced into the mother’s apron. The ‘boys’ need the strings.
That this plays havoc with women’s sex drive may not be unexpected, but that aspect of the unequal situation has been studied academically for the first time by researchers in Canadian and Australian universities. Their findings were published in the journal called Archives of Sexual Behaviour. Women soon lose their desire for a partner who, with all his promises of reforming, refuses to help in the house or look after the babies. As researchers point out, this inability may affect people of both sexes and also be evident within non-heterosexual relationships. The term, ‘man-child’ should rightfully be ‘adult-child’. But culture and society weigh in in favour of the ‘childlike’ man, a phenomenon that the study links with a major cause of divorce and break-ups.
The question is whether this ‘inability’ is a matter of will. Domestic chores are not rocket science — and most men would love to mansplain that as well. But the study is really about women. It asserts women’s expectations in a domestic partnership and the way daily practices affect their emotions and sex drive, presenting their physical satisfaction as equally important as men’s. The typical — ultimately inherited — perception of women’s dissatisfaction in sexual partnerships is related to personal factors such as hormonal imbalance, stress or conflict and encourages a kind of disguised condescension: more women are killed with kindness than can be counted. The study alters this approach by showing how gender inequality, which is a structural condition, can destroy sexual desire. The man-child is not only incompetent, he is also emotionally immature. Without a level of self-absorption — sweet nothings notwithstanding — he cannot let his partner continue slaving day after day without sharing the jobs. Love’s labours are lost on him. Wendy had to leave Peter Pan behind in Never Never Land after all.
