On the eve of Christmas, also known as the occasion that encourages children to seek out sugar granddaddies, Russia and Ukraine announce a temporary stoppage in their 10-month ongoing quest to end up on the most TIME magazine covers. The pause is meant to give Vladimir Putin and Volodymyr Zelensky a chance to boost the morale of their respective troops by posing with them for their state media. All this has caused concern in the Indian Army, who do not want their annual Diwali guest to be inspired for more photo-ops, this time as a 56-inch-chested Santa.
Meanwhile, for those so desperate for human touch that they intend to spend Christmas walking through Kolkata’s Park Street, the government of West Bengal has a few instructions: “No entry into big bakeries unless you have too much time. No entry into big bars unless you have too much money. No entry into big college campuses unless you have too much of both. However, should you have neither, you are always welcome into the Park Street cemetery.”
Elsewhere, the Association of Singles Struggling to Mingle (ASSM) is hosting special workshops on how to accelerate the growth of mistletoe for those interested in participating in the Christmas tradition of saliva exchange. The key, apparently, is “to let the plant be a better parasite than yourself”.
Wondering what else happened while you struggled to accept your insurance agent as your Secret Santa? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
December 19
Kim Jong-un’s decision has sent alarm bells ringing in South Korea, where many are struggling to sleep as a result TT archives
- North Korea’s Kim Jong-un, the dictator who only listens to his dietician, has decided that the launch of nuclear missiles will henceforth act as his morning alarm.
- Elon Musk has been diagnosed with imposter syndrome after his own Twitter poll came back with a majority of users asking him to step down as Twitter’s CEO. Sympathetic users have started contributing $8 to Twitter, asking Musk to visit a therapist.
December 20
Sundar Pichai confirmed that Google’s new proximity to India will have no impact on the number of Indians being hired or fired by the company TT archives
- On his temporary ghar wapsi, Google and Alphabet CEO Sundar Pichai lays down the terms for “Google’s renewed cooperation with India”. As part of this, Google Search will delist ruling party leaders from all results on “criminals not in jail”, highlight Vivek Agnihotri when users ask about “the world’s best filmmakers”, and offer answers in Sanskrit (besides the nine other languages already accessible in India), wherein every third hyperlink leads directly to the homepage of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS).
- Imran Khan faces scrutiny and embarrassment in Pakistan after tapes of his intimate phone conversations leak, where Khan can be heard fantasising in lurid detail about “coming in at full steam and devouring the nose and the toes” of his one-time Indian counterpart. Khan has since clarified that he was not talking about Kapil Dev, Sunil Gavaskar or Mohammad Azharuddin.
December 21
Tom Cruise has requested his fans not to emulate his latest stunt, since “you have not been blessed by Xenu” TT archives
- In a spectacular advertisement for scientology (science for the semi-literate), Tom Cruise, Hollywood’s real-life Benjamin Button, has decided to jump off a cliff, certain that his inner spirit (commonly called ego) is stronger than gravity.
- More than 5,000 members of the Society of Modern Mayans (SMM), who were happily convinced that the world would end on December 21, 2012, have written an open letter confessing how “our will to live has long been sucked out, since we were ready and overjoyed to die”. In keeping with their outlook to life, around 30 per cent of SMM members have enrolled for an MBA, about 25 per cent have joined Amazon and most of the rest have overdosed on a mixture of Nietzsche, psychedelics and Greta Thunberg.
December 22
Neither Anushka Sharma nor Puma has apologised to the photographer who took Anushka’s pictures without realising that they would never be credited for the same TT archives
- Anushka Sharma’s offbeat marketing strategy with Puma tanks after millions of her (and Virat Kohli’s) followers report Puma’s official social media accounts, believing that the brand had actually used Anushka’s photographs without her permission.
- Ramdev, the world’s first yogaprenuer, slams Pathaan’s Besharam Rang and Deepika Padukone’s choice of outfit in the song: “This is disgusting. When it comes to Indian culture, only I’m allowed to stretch, sashay and swirl in saffron.”
December 23
Messi, who has had greater success with other round objects, was able to beat the world’s most famous egg at the 968th time of asking FIFA
- In his first full-length interview since winning the FIFA World Cup, an emotional Lionel Messi admits: “It still feels surreal. A part of me still can’t believe that after all these years of defeats, tears and pain, after all the criticism and the well wishes, after all the sacrifices and the regrets, I’ve finally managed to beat the Instagram egg.”
- For the first time ever in an IPL auction, a separate purse was allocated to franchises for “Reel Deals”, allowing them to purchase specialist players for the purpose of Instagram. It came as little surprise that Kane Williamson got top billing in the category as his strike rate for reels is much better than his strike rate on the pitch.