We met Ritabhari Chakraborty after a year. And, it was heartening to see the multitalented artist fit, fine and all smiles after a harrowing time with health issues, which saw her battle with two surgeries. Her health woes have forced her to take a treadmill sabbatical and though initially she cowered with her “worst” fears coming true — weight gain — the actor, producer and writer has bounced back. And, how! In more than an hour-long chat, Ritabhari poured her heart out to The Telegraph on her relationship with her body over the years and what this phase has taught her. We couldn’t reproduce all that she said due to space constraints, but there was one important message in it for us all: be kind to yourself, first, and love your body. Own it and be proud of it. More power to you Ritabhari!
Tell us about your relationship with your body over the years...
This is the heaviest I have been in my life, other than the time when I was a baby because I was born a heavy baby. Then I turned extremely skinny. Both my sister (Chitrangada Satarupa) and I were very skinny. My first cousins were from Russia and my dadu would say our cousins from Russia would come and ‘ora phoo debe aar tora ure jabi’. This was a very opamanjonok byapar (laughs). Eating was my least favourite thing as a kid, except fast food.
When my mom (film-maker Satarupa Sanyal) moved out of my grandparents’ house, she started taking charge of what I ate, giving me two boiled eggs twice a day! Then I started becoming positive-healthy and my immunity became better. When I started working, in class IX or X, I was not that obsessed with my body or looks at all.... I didn’t even know the basics of being a well-groomed woman. Chitrangada was sorted. She was two and she told this lady on a bus: ‘Tumi jano aamar naam Chitrangada aar aami boro hoye Miss India hobo!’ (Laughs) I was that kid whose first word was ‘goonda’! (Laughs out loud) But I really enjoyed being in front of the camera. That’s how Ogo Bodhu Sundori happened. And I got in touch with the real world of being a woman, which has so many criteria. And, if you are an actress, it’s tough. Your body needs to be in proportion. There is a definition of beauty.
I was still a kid, 16, and my body hadn’t even developed properly and there were people on the sets who would talk about that. For the first time I started feeling uncomfortable about my body and I had no idea what to do about it. Then Ogo Bodhu Sundori did very well and I did well in academics too. I wanted to transition from television into films. Initially, there wasn’t so much acceptance from the industry and I kept questioning why. I had just delivered a huge TV hit and I have always had a huge fan following. They are a part of my extended family. I felt I wasn’t getting cast because I didn’t have the body the industry desired, overlooking a giant fact that acting is such an essential part! (Laughs) Hindi cinema has somewhat been a benchmark of beauty... how Katrina Kaif or Deepika Padukone look. It is changing, but In India, beauty is still one of the biggest cards for being an actress. In Hollywood, you cannot survive on beauty. Kate Winslet is Kate Winslet no matter what body she is in... stunning and real and she embraces who she is in every character, which makes you like her more.
I felt if I became skinny and fit, I would get the best of roles and started aiming for the perfect bikini body. First I became size zero, eating a 600-calorie diet. I don’t know how I lived after that. I could have probably died. I loved working out, but I embraced it to become thin. I wanted to look like Deepika Padukone. I don’t want to be a size zero ever again in my life.
For years my worst fear was becoming fat or being judged for my body weight. Even if I have been sick for a couple of days, the moment I felt better, I would go back on the treadmill. Even if I worked for 16 hours, I would come home and work out and I made sure I stayed a certain way.
So, it became an obsession...
Completely! Till last year. For Brahma Janen (Gopon Kommoti), they wanted somebody real. So, I calculated and balanced... kothai barle it won’t be difficult for me. The moment it was done, I planned out four months to get back in shape. So when it comes to my body, I have been a PT teacher. If I am emotionally down, I tend to gain weight. When I have been depressed or started to gain weight, I have literally left the country to go on a hike to lose the added weight....
So, you have been very hard on yourself...
Extremely, which is why it backfired very badly.... Last year when I fell sick, my abscess was restricting my movement. Yet, the days I wasn’t in pain, I would work out. What if my good body wasn’t there any more?! After my first surgery, I was down and the episode was traumatic. When I asked the doctor if I could work out, he probably didn’t realise what I was asking for... working out like a beast for 45 minutes! This was after my first surgery when the abscess was settling down into a fistula. It was all a mess internally. Shorir ta gorom hoye gelei the boil would come back and till it would burst, I would be in pain. There have been times I had to rush to the hospital to get the pus injected out or the doctor has had to come home. And, this has happened on important days of my life. My helplessness increased with time and at one point I realised this has to stop. A couple of months before my second surgery, I let it go. I could only digest things I don’t really have like rice... and surprisingly, mishti hojom hochhe... I’ve never had a sweet tooth.
Also, somebody inspecting my backside every other day was extremely uncomfortable. Everybody knows me and in the back of my mind I’d be like, the moment I’d leave the room, they would probably be discussing it.... This caused a lot of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and depression. I had a tough time dealing with it and used to have a panic attack every other day and I would live on an anti-anxiety pill and sugar craving increased. It would shoot at five in the morning. The panic attacks would make me feel that I am finished as a person. There were things I had stuffed inside me because I thought that was the right thing to do, a brave girl puts up a brave face. The thing is, nothing gets shrugged off. Everything started tumbling out and I went through a very rough phase psychologically.
I was diagnosed with recurrent depression when I was in class X. My doctor had given me the option at that point of time too that if I worked out regularly, the depressive episodes might not hit me so bad... I have been taking care of myself and managing my depression pretty well where it has not taken over my life. This time, however, when I couldn’t work out any more, it did. I was afraid to even go for a casual walk. This time he told me that ‘right now you are immobile and I don’t see any other option... you have to get on antidepressants’. He told me this is a crutch and I was going to come out of it. I knew the first big side effect of antidepressants... I was going to gain weight, plus, I wasn’t working out. But I was in survival mode.
It took a few months for me after that to get well and recover. I was healing and the panic attacks gradually decreased.... I could feel that my old clothes don’t fit me any more and it really started to make me very uncomfortable. I wouldn’t face it and I was so much in shock that I wouldn’t talk to anyone about the weight part. I was like, this cannot be happening to me.... I have been the stunner giving advice on how to stay fit and maintain yourself. I started looking different and couldn’t recognise myself initially. So, I wouldn’t want to take pictures. I stopped going out and decided that I am going to lose weight and then show up. This was in August. I got permission from the doctor to start working out again, but he told me to go easy, but within the first two days, I started to be on the treadmill for 45 minutes. I badly wanted to get back to my old self. On the eighth day, I took ill again with tremendous back pain. It was because I hadn’t taken it slow. I just couldn’t go without working or showing up for two more months. I felt I was in a prison of sorts.
Something changed when you stepped out...
I think it was one of the ads and I was iffy and nervous. I looked at myself in the camera and there was nothing that was looking bad (laughs). I looked different, but I looked fine! Being on the sets, working, being me, felt so nice. When I came home, I didn’t want to stop. This year, I was lucky that so many brands wanted to work with me.
The first comments that started pouring in were ‘Is this really her? What happened? Has she left acting?’ That is when I replied that I had had two surgeries and had been bedridden for eight months, what do you expect? There were a lot of positive replies to that. It’s not a crime to gain weight and it’s not because I was lazy.... I have always liked being fit but this is a health call of not pushing myself and falling off the cliff.
The support gave me a lot of confidence. If people can love me in whatever form I am in, why cannot I love myself? My body has been through so much and it is doing its best, then why am I so cruel and mean to myself? I realised that I have created the branding for myself and space especially after Brahma Janen and the way I handle my social media, this branding is all mine. This Puja has been one of the busiest I have had, workwise. The whole experience of going through this struggle has actually made me way more grounded.
You’ll also be working on a special project
I got an offer for a film which is on body positivity. It is about a woman’s journey, owning who she is and it is about the female protagonist. I just had one criterion... to shoot it soon. I don’t want to hold on to this body for too long. Otherwise as an actor I don’t want to lose out on projects. So, we are shooting in December. I am getting a chance to be the voice for so many women for whom this is a constant battle. We as women anyway fight so many battles so if we are not kind to ourselves, it will be a very difficult world then. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I am doing phenomenally well.
My message to all those women who think they have flaws... those are not flaws... it’s not worth giving so much thought to, as long as you are healthy. Our body does so much without us asking for it. You have to change the narrative. Of course I get upset about my old clothes not fitting me, but I know I am going to in a few months. It has to be organic and I’ll do it at my own pace. I know of the huge craze at this point. It is any actor’s dream. I too have dreamt of a day when I would have no dates. And, I have a bucket list. So, if I don’t prioritise my health, none of it is going to happen. I avoid going to places where my mental health might be compromised.
This phase has taught me a lot and showed me what people are like. My bio is not my body. It is the person who has worked for 12 years and earned her position and I cannot let that go. People who are giving me ‘advice’ are not welcome because you are not where I am, in any way.
Make-up: Babusona Saha; Hair: Gini Halder