Journalist Faye D’Souza was in Kolkata, one of her “favourite cities”, recently to talk at a Young Leaders Forum’s (a wing of Indian Chamber of Commerce) session on ‘What does it take to be an infallible journalist in India today?’, held at Taj Bengal. The fearless journalist was a joy to listen to as she took us through her career, the current state of TV journalism, why she left TV and turned independent, the TRP war, the shrinking TV audience, the “pressure to toe the line” and the way forward for India. Her clarity of thought and her conviction were major takeaways.
When we met her post the chat, we tried to tap into a different side of Faye, who grew up in Bangalore and is now based in Mumbai and is mother to a five-month-old baby boy. “This is also the first time I am travelling, leaving my baby at home. It is a new phase of life for me,” she smiled. Excerpts.
Is motherhood more challenging than reporting news?
Yes, because there is no training for this role! (Laughs) So, the stakes are really high and there is no internship! (Laughs) A mistake can be very expensive.
Is he asking a lot of questions, metaphorically speaking?
I am asking a lot of questions for myself because it is a completely different view on life when you become a mom. I find myself most concerned with climate change now because it feels like we’ve made a hot mess for our children, which we need to find ways to solve.
How have you changed in the last five months?
I now forget everything! (Laughs) I have no attention span. I have completely new respect for moms because I thought I knew how hard this is but I had no idea. This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever done. It’s made me particularly grateful for my own mother and made me more aware about the finer things in life. I’d like to think I am a good mom. I suppose we’ll find out. (Smiles)
What kind of questions are you asking your mom now?
How did she do it?! (Laughs) When you become a mom, you have all these questions and all these small things become important... when to start solid food, whether to use cloth nappies or actual diapers...., but the biggest question I ask mom is how she managed to keep herself so centred. My mom had four kids. I am number three. My mum raised us all, didn’t have help back then of any kind, no nanny or maid. She did everything herself.
My parents put a lot of emphasis on education, hard work, ethics, and telling the truth. It has stood me in good stead in my career and life. I’d like to be the same for my child.
We women feel guilty all the time...
I think we are lucky in that India has very good maternity leave laws. We have six months of maternity leave, which is necessary, but society puts a lot of pressure on us. I have noticed when you are pregnant with the baby, everyone is like, ‘Are you feeling ok?...’, but as soon as you have the baby, there are questions like, ‘Have you started exercising to lose weight?’ or, ‘When are you getting back to work?’ The questions automatically become about hitting a level of normalcy as quickly as possible. At the same time, we are told that we have to exclusively breast-feed for six months, which takes up a lot of time and energy. You are supposed to do things a certain way for your child. So, there is all of this pressure to be yourself again as quickly as possible... to become that working woman again, to become that powerhouse again, to be there for the rest of your family and also be as good a mom as possible. It’s impossible to do. It takes a village. You need people to help you, support you and most of all, you need time. Every human body is different. Every woman is different. Everybody’s circumstances are different....
What is difficult for women from a feminism point of view is we want to make these choices, but society hasn’t given us the license yet. In our generation, if you are single, you are pressured to get married, then you get pressured to have kids... I have had gynaecologists tell me at 32-33, ‘Why are you wasting time? You are going to get old.’ When you have kids, if you go back to work, you are a bad mother and if you don’t, you are wasting your talent. So, we feel we have the independence to make all these decisions, but there is constant judgement and as a result, this constant guilt, because unlike our mother’s generation, we are working for us. Our jobs are our identity. So, there is constant guilt that I am stepping away from my child for a selfish reason, to work, to further my own identity. That’s the battle for us as women right now to not only be able to make those choices, but also own those choices.
I read somewhere that we raise our girls for perfection and we raise our boys for victory.... That is where the guilt comes from. You constantly feel that there is someone looking at you who is thinking you are not very good at this... ‘you are not being a good mom’... ‘you are letting your career slide... so, you are not a good career woman and setting a bad example for other women’.
We are constantly expected to be perfect instead of being winners. Yes, women should be allowed to choose whatever they want to be, but they should also be allowed to own that choice and not feel we have to be everything for everyone at the same time.
How do you deal with guilt?
I feel guilty all the time. I think the mom’s guilt is a very real thing. I feel guilty if I am looking at my phone and my baby cries... I feel guilty when I travel for work, I feel guilty if I take a break.... I read all the books on parenting and pregnancy and one of the things I read that really struck a chord was if you make sure that your child is safe when you step away, which means you are putting the child in the care of someone who is responsible and will maintain the physical, mental and emotional safety of that child and if you ensure that the person is continuing your parenting philosophy, then you are a good parent. You cannot be there all the time. I have to keep telling myself that it’s okay to take two minutes to find out what’s happening in the world, drink some water, go for a walk, talk to a friend....
How do you plan to bring him up?
I am trying not to show him any screens unless he is two years old. Idealistically, I would want to raise a kind, empathetic and respectful person. What he does with the rest of his life is up to him.
Where do you get courage from?
I think from my parents. They insisted on honesty, hard work and integrity and dignity at all times. When the choices are placed in front of you, if you always choose integrity, honesty and hard work, sometimes you have to be brave to do that.
Who are your role models?
My parents, my mum. I have been a big fan of women who have come before us, be it Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Oprah Winfrey.... In India we have scores of women who have broken down walls and made paths for us.