Vinicius Jr, Madhuri Dixit and MS Dhoni headline the week that should have been

Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred

In what may prove to be the most consequential choice this century (after Barbenheimer), Americans must decide whether electing a convicted felon with fascist fantasies is better than electing a woman. Whatever be the outcome, US allies will remain steadfastly committed to American weapons, even as China struggles to decipher which of the two presidential candidates knows less about Taiwan.

Meanwhile, in private conversations with Benjamin Netanyahu, both Kamala Harris and Donald Trump have made it absolutely clear that neither of them will extend Joe Biden’s policy of hugging the Israeli leader in public. For his part, Netanyahu has assured them that he merely expects “bipartisan complicity” as he follows America’s lead in “prolonging the geopolitical stability that comes with a forever war”.

Elsewhere, Elon Musk has urged all voters in US swing states to participate in a parallel vote on X (through its trademark poll) so that “Democrats cannot suppress the voice of America with their woke definitions of arithmetic”.

Wondering what else happened as you were desperate to find out what Harris or Trump think about PhD applications in the US? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.

October 28

“The only consolation in not winning the Ballon d’Or is knowing that Kylian [Mbappe] will allow me to take penalties,” says Vinicius Junior Getty Images

• Real Madrid request UEFA to not award Vinicius Junior the Ballon d’Or out of concern for Kylian Mbappe’s mental health for the rest of the season. The award, which does wonders to one’s tuxedo collection, is instead handed to an injured Rodri, who collects it with support from crutches designed by Louis Vuitton.

• In spite of jeopardising millions of jobs, Volkswagen decides to close all its manufacturing units in Germany, since its board of directors can no longer proceed with the moral burden of running a company on German soil whose name was chosen by Adolf Hitler.

October 29

Indian travel agents start warning male clients eager to go to Russia without a visa to scrutinise their life insurance TT archives

• Visa-free travel to Russia is now eligible for all Indian males aged 18 to 50, provided they “have a BMI between 20 and 26 and are open to exploring the possibilities of the Russian city of Kursk”.

• In the latest career option for Indian teenagers with a 5G connection, a whole host of domain names have been bought with the hope of lucrative sales in the future. Some of the most prominent ones include — jiomars.planet, adanijfkairport.com, tatarobots.com, mahindralifeskills.org and pmsamvidhanhataoyojana.in

October 30

Mahendra Singh Dhoni refuses to answer whether the BCCI pays him separately for his coaching services to youngsters post IPL games TT archives

• Mahendra Singh Dhoni puts all retirement rumours to rest by confirming that he will continue to play in the IPL “as long as JioCinema continues to pick me for its Hero Cam”.

• In what is being touted as a masterstroke for long-term success, the Royal Challengers Bengaluru (RCB) have spent Rs 57 crore on retaining their social media influencers.

October 31

“I only had two options — to sell out to a corporate or the government. As a comedian with a conscience, I chose the latter,” tweets Kunal Kamra TT archives

• Following weeks of aggressive interviews on X, Kunal Kamra is appointed as the Chief Troll Officer (CTO) of OLA. Kamra’s primary responsibility in his new role will be to ensure at least 50,000 retweets for a minimum of 10 jokes he cracks on OLA every month.

• Dubai’s air quality deteriorates to its worst recorded levels after Indian celebrities, out of deep concern for pollution levels in Delhi and Mumbai, celebrate Diwali in the “City of Gold”.

November 1

The Follywood Reporter suggests that Madhuri Dixit’s saris in ‘Bhool Bhulaiyaa 3’ cost more than the entire cinematography unit put together TT archives

• Madhuri Dixit has no doubts that Bhool Bhulaiyaa 3, where she plays a ghost that’s “scarier than any Kartik Aaryan monologue”, will be a blockbuster: “The film has been written in such a way that the audience will need to watch it at least three times to fully grasp what happens.”

• Shah Rukh Khan cancels all public appearances for a month after badly bruising both soles, having seen off every single guest at his pre-birthday bash to their cars.