Lakshadweep is having a moment, so much so that it has left behind Goa, Puducherry, Puri (exclusively for Bengalis) and “OYO near me” in the list of the most searched destinations for a break. This surge in popularity is partly down to Indian uncles (the sort who can decide on other people’s clothes but never pack their own) intent on checking out the most beautiful spots in Lakshadweep that anti-nationals have claimed to be a part of other countries.
Meanwhile, our Pradhan Yatri’s championing of domestic travel has led the INDIA alliance to temporarily transform into a travel agency and come up with an itinerary for the nation’s biggest wanderer to explore — Manipur, the Line of Actual Control, the homes of aggrieved wrestlers, toilets in villages that have no water, hospitals where patients become hostages, and any press conference not involving Arnab Goswami or his spiritual offsprings.
Elsewhere, Indian influencers queue up to receive their priority US visas after promising to the central government that they will never take the trouble of visiting the Maldives on paid vacations.
Wondering what else happened as your bank balance boycotted a trip to the Maldives before you could? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
January 8
“Internal opposition is the biggest obstacle to a modern democracy,” declares Sheikh Hasina TT archives
- Sheikh Hasina, who has at least one sari for every problem, continues her tenure as the Prime Minister of Bangladesh after deciding to replace elections with a national online survey, where she achieves a 99.5 per cent approval rating thanks to more bots than Bangladeshis.
- Polls to decide the American ambassador against China in Taiwan have been deferred until the US decides which of the candidates in question knows the most about semiconductors.
January 9
Volodymr Zelensky declines to receive his Golden Globe in person after his request for a one-hour winning speech is turned down TT archives
- The Golden Globe Awards, a literal dress rehearsal for the Oscars, sees Volodymyr Zelensky win for the best actor in a tragedy. Oppenheimer sweeps the rest of the movie awards barring one, which sees Barbie triumph for the best screenplay on TikTok.
- The committee in charge of investigating the Epstein Files, a stack of documents detailing the nocturnal habits of the world’s richest people, has been called “totally corrupt” by Donald Trump after initial investigations failed to produce any headline revelations about Trump harassing women.
January 10
Brij Bhushan Sharan Singh responds to the accusations levelled at him by saying that “I’m prepared to prove my innocence by wrestling whoever I’m asked to” TT archives
- Brij Bhushan Sharan Singh is honoured with the Arjuna Award for exhibiting “supreme athletic prowess” in constantly running away from responsibility.
- In the latest episode of Good Court, Bad Court, the most schizophrenic court in the country rediscovers its conscience and orders the 11 convicts in a rape case to head back to jail. The Gujarat government calls the decision “a travesty of justice”, since “the men had already been cleansed of their crimes when they were garlanded with lotuses following their early release”.
January 11
Sandeep Reddy Vanga believes that “Animal is a far more romantic film than Veer Zara”, which irks Javed Akhtar no end Wikimedia Commons
- Sandeep Reddy Vanga and Javed Akhtar publicly debate on love at an event in Mumbai moderated by Karan Johar. While Vanga confuses hitting on people with hitting them, Akhtar believes that love is merely lust for those who know less than 50,000 words. For his part, Johar describes the “toxic mohabbat in my movies” as the “love-child of Vanga and Akhtar”.
- At the most recent instalment of Money Meets Power, also known as the Vibrant Gujarat Global Summit, scores of Indian billionaires resolve to “usher in a new era of development in India by investing relentlessly in the everyday running of the Ram Mandir”.
January 12
“No matter how much I flirted with other brands, I kept coming back to Nike,” reflects Tiger Woods TT archives
- Tiger Woods and Nike part ways after 27 years (in what the former has called “the most painful divorce of my life”) because Woods could no longer handle “Just Do It” reminders every day, which he has blamed for his alcoholism and secret flings (with Adidas and Puma).
- Greta Thunberg calls out her best friends on her 21st birthday for having the audacity to decorate her birthday cake with 21 candles without factoring in the carbon emissions.